Here's something I learned today - before asking Nicole Richie to join her, Paris Hilton wanted Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson to be on The Simple Life with her. Johnson turned Paris down. Yesterday, Johnson, who just a little while ago got engaged to Tila Tequila, was found dead, possibly from a drug overdose. I didn't think I'd ever say this, but, maybe, just maybe, Paris Hilton would have been a good influence on her... Jeez.

The Los Angeles County Coroner's office has completed its autopsy of Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson.

The autopsy on the 30-year-old celebutante was conducted on Tuesday, the Coroner's office confirmed in a statement to Access Hollywood. The cause of death has been deferred pending toxicology tests and "microscopic studies," the deputy medical examiner ordered.

No ruling over Casey's cause of death will be made until the results have been received and reviewed, however, there was "no evidence of trauma to the body," the Coroner's office noted in their statement. The results may take more than eight weeks.

She was engaged to former reality star Tila Tequila at the time of her death. (Access Hollywood)

Of course, Tila wasn't silent during any of this and Tweeted messages of hope and support to her fans, and by that, I mean confusing, mispelled lies.

Soon after Casey Johnson's death, Tila Tequila spilled her emotions as she often does: with confusing and inaccurate tweeting. After saying her new fiancee was dead, Tequila said she had just learned the Johnson & Johnson hereiss was in fact in a coma. She soon reverted to saying she had died, a fact confirmed by police and Johnson's family.

An hour after tweeting that Johnson had died and that she would go offline to mourn, Tequila returned to report the supposed coma. "I know u can feel me Casey! Dot let go! I'm almost home baby please hang on!" she tweeted. "We have a beautiful life planned out for us! I LOVE u! Hang on!"

Later, after learning her "wifey" was, in fact, dead, Tequila continued to tweet her grief. "I can't stop these haunting visions of her and I. We made such a lovely couple, only beginning to spend the rest of our lives together," she wrote.

Technically, Johnson did spend the rest of her life with you Tila, so, um, count it as a win? It may be the only one you get.

I think Charlie Sheen should give up his career as an actor and just go for professional comedian - I mean, he already had the self-hate thing going on...and the uncontrollable rage. Also, he's freakin' hilarious, as shown here at a table read for Two and a Half Men.

At a table reading for Charlie's hit show Two And A Half Men, one of the producers asked Jon Cryer what he did during the holidays. Everyone started to laugh because they could tell where this was going, a source told RadarOnline.com exclusively.

Jon gave a quick answer and the producer moved on to Angus T. Jones and after Jones answered the producer moved on and said, "Charlie, what did YOU do for the holidays?"

As everyone laughed, Charlie answered, "Well, I met Kobe Bryant's bail bondsman!"

And yes, the entire room cracked up. (Radar Online)

See, the man's made of funny. Don't you agree? Seriously, don't you agree? Come on man, he's got a knife pressed against my side, just agree. FOR THE LOVE OF IT ALL, AGREE!!!

...

*shank*

Rumor has it that Hayden Panettiere is now dating Ukrainian heavyweight boxer Wladimir Klitschko. Good for him, it's about time the Ukraine had something nice. Poor Ukraine, never gets anything nice. Here are some shots of them celebrating the New Year in Miami. Turns out, Hayden's 2010 resolution is not to be so stressed and spend more time in bed. What do you know? That's my resolution too - I also want to spend more time in Hayden Panettiere's bed.

Lindsay and Ali Lohan went to St. Barth's for their New Years weekend, and so, it was the start of another crappy year for St. Barth's. Seriously island, if you dress yourself up a little bit, put on some makeup, wear some sexy clothing, you could get all sorts of Grade-A celebrities to come to you. Right now, though, you look like a whore and that's just who you're going to get - you have no one to blame but yourself.

Are you having a crappy day? Here, let me make it better for you. Kim Kardashian ignored a warning about an item being hot - that, or she couldn't read it - and picked up a burning curling iron ... See, it's funny, because she's dumb.

The reality star, 29, posted on Twitter Sunday night that she burned herself with a curling iron.

"Owwwww I just picked up the curling iron by the hot part... my fingers are burning and bright red... WHAT DO I DO? I am about to cry!" she wrote.

Added Kardashian just seconds later, "This is my first time using a curling iron...and MY LAST!"

I like this precedent - Kim gets hurt by an item and then doesn't use it anymore. Here's hoping after I smack her in the face with a camera, she won't want to use those anymore either.

Hey, go look outside your window and tell me if you see Tiger Woods. Is here there? No? Ok, well, keep your eyes open - the dude has gone AWOL. Yes, even though the entire world has been watching his every move, somehow he's disappeared. Dude is like a ninja.

TMZ.com says he's in Africa at a friend's estate where he wants to "completely disappear from public view."

But other reports claim he is holed up at the Trump International on Central Park West in New York City. He also has been rumored to be hiding out in Florida, Arizona and Dubai. (Us Magazine)

Hmmm, so Tiger wants to completely disappear, aye? Well, he's a successful black pro-athlete, so where is the last place someone would look for him. *GASP* Quick, go check the deep south! That's the last place anyone would expect him to be ... It's brilliant - if he can survive being lynched, he'll never be found.

Ok, so, you're wrapper Eminem and you're hopelessly and awesomely addicted to pills - because that's what the cool kids do. For some reason, though, you want to kick this habit. Who do you turn to? Why, Elton John, of course. Duh.

"I've been helping Eminem over the last 18 months and he's doing brilliantly," John, 62, told BBC Radio on Friday, without going into further detail.

Eminem (real name: Marshall Mathers), 37, entered rehab for a sleeping pill addiction in 2005. He later told Vibe magazine that he would take "10 to 20" Vicodin (painkiller) pills daily. "Valium, Ambien, the numbers got so high I don't even know what I taking," he said.

John himself battled alcohol and drug abuse earlier in his career, but has claimed sobriety since the the 1980s.

"I'm there if people want my help," he said in the BBC interview. "If people ask for help you tell them where to go but there's no point advising people if they don't want to do it."

Oh, I disagree, Elton. I mean, how else are you going to learn something like, oh, I don't know, that your music is terrible and you should stop performing, if no one tells you over and over and over. By the way, you're music is terrible and it's time for you to stop performing. Just so you know.