Heidi Montag is not having a good week - which means, I'm having a great week. First, she takes a bunch of crap for her addiction to plastic surgery. Now, her new record is doing terrible. How terrible? Less than 1000 copies have been sold - 658 to date. Is this the end of Heidi Montag? Jesus, I hope so.

In its first week of release, The Hills star's album, Superficial, has sold less than 1,000 copies, according to Nielsen Soundscan.

In fact, industry sources tell UsMagazine.com that the album has sold only 658 downloads to date.

This is likely upsetting news for the reality star, who told Entertainment Weekly last week that she went broke making Superficial but thought that "within the first week, we will definitely make our money back."

She told EW, "I put every dollar I have into this. I've spent over $1 million, almost $2 million, on this album. It's cost as much or more than a Britney Spears album because I wanted it to be that quality... The songs will make an impact in pop history."

Those songs have collectively sold 6,000 downloads, Nielsen SoundScan also reports.

Holy hell, I sold more copies of my album, and it was just me reading bathroom graffiti while beating a tambourine. Entertainment Weekly called it, "Brilliant and a summer delight."

Madonna has always been both an innovator and an imitator. You can bet if there's a trend going on, she's stolen it and tried to make it better - usually failing at doing so. Now, she's apparently in the middle of the celebrity baby craze and wants another kid, this time with her near-pedophilia 22-year-old boyfriend. I'd say it's an awful thing, both to the child and to society, but, hey, at least she's not singing.

The Queen of Pop - who already has four kids - has consulted doctors about conceiving another child at the age of 51, pals said.

Brazilian Jesus, who at 22 is less than half Madge's age, has told her that becoming a father would be "his greatest adventure".

She is said to have agreed he would make a "fantastic dad" and told friends: "I have endless love in my heart for another child." (The Sun)

That may be true, Madonna, but we do not have endless love for you. Go, have a kid, buy a ranch somewhere in the desert and become that crazy shut-in who collects samples of your own hair and urine. Come on, we all know that's what this is building to, let's just speed this baby along.

You know what warps children? Having Shauna Sands for a mother, especially when she takes you out looking like this. I should know - My mother used to troll the streets in her underwear, looking for men to seduce. Now look at me, I'm a Celebrity Gossiper. If I'm not an afternoon special, I don't know what is. I kept saying, "Mom, you're the mayor of our town, show some respect!" She never listened.

Heidi Montag went on Access Hollywood the other day and basically said that, even though she almost died from having plastic surgery in November, she wants more. A lot more. Also she wants to do Playboy again. This reminds me of the time I did my own plastic surgery - I stabbed myself in the face with a pen so I didn't have to deal with her anymore. Too bad it was a failed procedure.

"I almost died after my procedure," Heidi told Access Hollywood's Billy Bush on Monday. "I had too much Demerol like Michael Jackson did and my breathing was five breaths per minute which is like almost dead. [I was] in an aftercare center, there were nurses that were supposed to be tending to me at all times.

"So thank God, Charles, one of my security guys used to be an EMT, and he was timing my breath on his watch and he called the nurses and they had to put oxygen on my face and called my plastic surgeon to come in for an emergency. So, it was a very traumatic experience for me," she continued.

Two months after the surgery, Heidi said she is now starting to regain all of the movement in her face.

"I'm starting to move my face more and more," Heidi said. [But,] I feel very plastic... especially when I first came out, it was so hard for me even to smile and it's still hard for me to chew sometimes. But it's feeling more and more natural everyday because the swelling is going down."

On November 20, Heidi underwent 10 procedures that included a mini brow lift, Botox in the forehead, nose job revision, fat injections in cheeks and lips, chin reduction, neck liposuction, ears pinned back, breast augmentation revision, liposuction on her waist and thighs and a buttocks augmentation. But, she told Billy she's not addicted to plastic surgery.

"I do love it and I appreciate it and I appreciate the science behind it," she explained. "How incredible... we [are] blessed to even have this surgery that we have. We're so advanced. If Cleopatra were alive now, I'm sure she'd have triple D's... there's always been a struggle between pain and beauty. I feel like since the beginning of time."

Heidi revealed that she initially wanted breasts in the largest size possible, but is now happy with what she's got.

"At first I kept saying my boobs aren't big enough. I wanted 800 cc's and I ended up getting about 650 cc's. 800 is the largest size that they make," she explained. "I wanted them to be larger originally, but this is all that could fit into my body. So, I kept saying like a crazy person for eight weeks, saying I want them bigger I want them bigger. I think I'm good with them now... They're triple D's or F's pretty much, I wanted 'H' for Heidi but that didn't really happen that way."

And after two months of staying out of the public eye, Heidi reveled that she's ready to have all eyes on her again in the pages of Playboy.

"I'm beyond ready to do it again," Heidi said when asked she would pose for the men's magazine a second time.

That's true, there has always been a struggle between pain and beauty. You see, the "beauty" of Heidi Montag is, she gives you so much "pain," eventually you go numb waiting for death. Ah, life's eternal grandeur.

Hey there, we are back? Did you miss us? I missed us.

So, moving right along, here's Whitney Port in a bikini, walking around Miami on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Obviously, this is what attractive people do on their day off. Ugly people, on the other hand, play Monopoly in their parents' basement, hiding from both the sun and mirrors. It's a brutal but fair system ... also, I totally got Boardwalk AND Park Place, so I really owned that day. Woo!

It's January and it's cold as balls out here, so we're taking a week plus vacation and flying to Mexico. Seriously. So while you are slaving away on your Monday to Friday job, we'll be drinking little drinks with umbrellas and laughing. Oh, what fun we'll have. And guess what? You're not invited! ... Ok, fine you can come, but you're buying your own umbrella drinks.

See you on the 20th!

-The CM People.

A few days ago, Casey Johnson, Tila Tequila's "wifey" (her words, not mine), died. Tila was clearly devastated and went on Twitter and her blog to mindlessly ramble and butcher the English language. Then she realized no one cared what she has to say if they couldn't also see her body - so here are some new smiling photos of her and her boobs outside of her house. I'd fault her for being incredibly inappropriate at a time like this, but you know what? I like it. Clearly Casey Johnson was into showoff whores, and if that's the way she lived, then why shouldn't her death be any different. I say we get like five more girls and do a wet t-shirt contest instead of a traditional funeral. No? You don't like it? Fine, we'll compromise - we'll do a wet t-shirt contest in a graveyard. It's what Casey would have wanted.