Look, I really didn't want to do anymore posts about Heidi and Spencer from The Hills because they're so annoying, but Heidi has a great ass and she posed for a bunch of pictures in her bikini. Bikinis are my bread and butter so I really had no choice in the matter.

You know how you can tell when a couple is so fake they care more about gaining publicity than each other? When they pose for phony "candid" photographs while on their honeymoon in Mexico. Seriously, who does that?

I'll bet anyone that they also made a sex tape and within a few years it'll become public after they get divorced. Both of them will pretend that they don't want it released even though they'll have already arranged to split the profits in advance. Spencer, of course, will argue that he should get a larger share since the world will get a glimpse of the two-inch penis he's always trying so hard to compensate for.

The Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt eloped to Cabo San Lucas and finally tied the knot last weekend in a secret ceremony. Earlier today USmagazine.com confirmed the rumors that had been circulating.

The idea of these two publicity whores having a secret ceremony is a complete joke; as if they're trying to hide from the press like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez had to back when they attempted to get married in Santa Barbara.

Want to know the real reason these two eloped to Mexico? Because the U.S. government was hesitant to grant them a marriage license out of fear they might reproduce and further degrade the country's gene pool.

I have to admit, I'm actually a little surprised. I always figured the only reason Heidi stuck around with Spencer - one of the worst people on the planet - was for their storyline together on The Hills, since that show is about as real as Heidi's breasts. It turns out she really is as clueless as she appears to be.

If Heidi had any common sense, she'd realize that her massive Hollywood makeover is all for nothing so long as she's together with Spencer. She clearly works out a lot and has a great body, but here's what guys really see when they look at her...

I apologize in advance for any nightmares this might cause.

Audrina Patridge informed People Magazine that the hit MTV "reality" show The Hills would in fact be returning for a 5th season despite speculation that this season would be its last.

“There is going to be a fifth season,” Patridge tells PEOPLE. “We just found out.”

Patridge, who recently filmed the thriller Sorority Row with Rumer Willis, adds that — despite all the drama — she and her costars have a good time filming the show: “We have fun with each other and we’ve stuck it out this long, so we might as well do another one.”

But Patridge admits that the cast’s divergent interests have made filming difficult.

“At one point, all of us were like, ‘No, we don’t want to do another season,’” she says. “I wanted to do more movies, and Whitney moved to New York and she’s doing her own spin-off. And Lauren’s dating [My Boys actor] Kyle [Howard] but he can’t be on the show because he’s on another show, so that makes it hard.”

Something else that wasn’t easy: Recent buzz that Conrad had a fling with Patridge’s sometime-boyfriend Justin Bobby.

“It was really hard — one of his best friends that told me that, and I called Lauren and she hangs up on me,” Patridge says of the rumor, which turned out to be false. “And then once I sat them down and talked to them, I was like, ‘Okay, this is all I needed!’ You’ll see it on the show. It was very emotional.”

This is all a nice PR spin way of saying that the cast of the show explored their other options, realized they had none, and figured they should grab whatever money MTV was willing to throw at them before they ultimately decide to pose for Playboy and then fade into obscurity.

I'd also like to add that Audrina is even dumber than we all thought; she's still talking about the rumor involving Lauren and Audrina's ex-boyfriend even though it was already revealed that the publicity whore made the whole thing up herself. Did you ever consider that Lauren hung up on you because she heard you started the rumor in the first place? Like, OMG!

Oh well, I shouldn't complain; at least the girls on the show are nice to look at if you can get past the vapid emptiness of their existence (my penis says no problem). Here's Audrina taking her new titties out for a test drive in a bikini earlier this year.

The Hills' star Heidi Montag dressed up for a Halloween party as a sexy police officer. Unfortunately, whenever there are pictures of Heidi that usually means some of those pictures will include universally-hated shithead Spencer Pratt, who dressed up as her prison bitch. What the hell is she still doing with this guy?

I apologize for two posts in a row that include Heidi, but she won the battle of sexy celebrity Halloween costumes, at least so far. We can only hope someone swaps out that gun for a real one and she accidentally shoots Spencer Bruce Lee style.

Heidi Montag considers yet another upgrade...

6 creepy urban legends that happen to be true, brought to you by Cracked.com.

The Franzia Wine Box is still one of my favorite Halloween costumes of all time, for obvious reasons. Man, sometimes I miss college.

Heidi Klum has definitely got milk, and there's plenty of photograph evidence to prove it.

Adriana Lima launches a new fragrance and naturally looks hot doing so.

A chronic funny picture and e-mail forwarder makes a sincere apology to friends who didn't find some of the pictures funny or felt they were sexist (I always say the best apology is sincerely insincere).

9 people who kill the mood during sex. Good stuff.

Proof that the stock market sucks and just keeps on sucking, at least according to the headline writers at The Huffington Post.

Newly acquired Dallas Cowboys' receiver Roy Williams dressed up for Halloween as former teammate Tatum Bell, who was recently caught stealing the bags of his replacement after being cut by the Detroit Lions.

Katy Perry dressed up as a weird-looking guy with a mustache for Halloween.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck is supposedly getting a lot of death threats. Probably from angry Republicans upset she's making the party's supporters look so foolish.

A bunch of geeky Halloween pumpkin carvings.

Getting arrested is always funnier when you're wearing a costume.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills posed for another one of their lame "candid" photo shoots, this time stumping for John McCain and Sarah Palin.

They're supposedly embracing core Republican values with the shotgun, cheap beer and a book about economics. But there's a huge hole in all of this: we're supposed to believe these two idiots can actually read? I don't buy it for a second.

Look, I try not to get too political around here, and I don't want to tell anyone how they should vote for President. I believe Democrats, Republicans, and anyone else should be able to make fun of celebrities for being stupid, self-absorbed assholes regardless of their political beliefs.

Having said that, if you're planning to vote for the McCain/Palin ticket, just keep in mind that you're aligning yourself with the biggest douchebag* in Southern California (putting Spencer in the running for biggest douchebag worldwide or at least outside of the Jersey Shore), and an airhead blonde who willingly has sex with said douchebag. McCain could use an endorsement from these two about as much as an endorsement from George W. Bush.