Today, we're going to play a fun game. I want you to count how many times Spencer Pratt is a douchebag in this interview with Complex.com. Ready? Here we go.

First, this is Spencer's answer when asked the simple question, "How are things?"

"The usual, just another amazing day in my life. On the way to the gun range with my wife, ready to go fire off some hollow points out of the 19…"

Then there was this awesome back-and-forth:

Complex: You said, “I’m like the white Jay-Z.” Would you consider Heidi the white Beyoncé?

Spencer Pratt: A little bit more than the white Beyoncé. Beyoncé had to be built by a group like Destiny’s Child, but Heidi shines solo. I’ll actually give you an exclusive: I could guarantee you Speidi’s [Spencer and Heidi's] “Bonnie & Clyde” version is going to stunt on Jay and B’s version.

Complex: Who’s rapping career would you use as a blueprint for yourself?

Spencer Pratt: I think I’m the future of hip-hop. You know, I feel bad for saying that. That’s unfortunate, but that’s a fact. You can’t compare my model of hip-hop with what I’m about to come out with versus anything in the game. You know I’ll take the Diddy route. I’m not a lyrical MC, I’m just like Diddy. Look what it did for him? He is still balling.

Lastly, there's this interchange, where Spencer's brilliance really shines:

Complex: I know you said that you’re trying to infiltrate the ringtone game…

Spencer Pratt: Yeah. People are not even going to have time to listen to radio in their cars because they are going to be talking on their phones or twittering, or BBM’ing. So I feel like the only time people are going to hear music is when your phone rings, so that’s the whole market I’m going after. I don’t care about the clubs, I don’t care about the radio, all I care about is getting my digital downloads like Soulja Boy.

Ok, we're all done. Tally up your answers. How many did you get? If you put down anything less than: "I stopped reading when Spencer said he was the 'White Jay-Z' and went and did something productive with my life", then I'm sorry, you're actually a loser. Better luck next time.

It's no secret that I hate Spencer Pratt. It's no secret that the world hates Spencer Pratt. The only one who may be surprised by this would be, Spencer Pratt. But just when you thought you couldn't hate him anymore... he puts out a rap song.

"First I took over TV, the tabloids and the internet -- now I'm going after the airwaves," Spencer told Usmagazine.com. "Nothing can stop 'The Great White.'"

For those not getting it, his stage name is The Great White. I want to believe it's ironic, but sadly, I know it's not. His song is called "I'm a Celebrity." Spencer released it on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM radio show yesterday. If you want to torture yourself, you can listen to it HERE.

Between Heidi and Spencer, it's clear that Heidi got the looks. Also the brains for that matter. Of course, that really doesn't say much since she's a vapid ugly whore - and I guess Playboy is into that. Life & Style is revealing that Heidi may pose nude for the magazine... God help us all.

"She wants to do it," an insider confirmed. "It's just a matter of working out the details."

Life & Style says that Spencer is encouraging her to do it and is negotiating a $500,000 deal. Sure, because it's every guy's dream to have 12-year-olds jerking it to his wife. I guarantee this is a rumor made up by Spencer so Heidi can come out and say, "Oh no, that's ridiculous. I wouldn't do that, I have standards." But the fact that everyone's immediate reaction to the news is, "ew," and not "it's fake," really means that no, Heidi, you don't.

I hate to post about Heidi and Spencer two days in a row, but this one is too crazy to pass up. Apparently, on their wedding night, Heidi performed one of her songs to get Spencer in the mood. For most guys that would permanently kill an erection, but some people do have weird turn-ons.

"The song that Heidi wrote and recorded for me as a wedding gift (is) called 'Sex Ed,'" Spencer said. "She had little outfits and everything and fireworks and sparklers, and it was pretty much the wildest thing since that earthquake (in Mexico) yesterday." (Access Hollywood)

Then after the uber-erotic one-woman performance, they've either been having a ton of sex or helping to save the world. It's kind of hard to tell.

"It is so heated up you can't even believe it...I'm loving every second of it," Heidi said. Spender then replied, "That's how we do it. Speidi is one. It's like Captain Planet, forces combine. Once we tied the knot, our juice it's just like, nuclear."

Oh god no, every time I think of Captain Planet, I'm now going to think of Spencer and Heidi's juices! Thanks douches, you've ruined the 90's for me.

Swine Flu is literally sweeping the world, and ground zero is in the heart of Mexico. I'd say this near-pandemic is a tragedy, except some good may come of this yet, as I just learned that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are also in Mexico.

"We're definitely wearing the facemasks everywhere we go," Pratt said today on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM radio show. "We're not playing -- I'm not trying to get pig flu. We're in isolation, we're in full hiding." Montag later added, "Every second, we're washing our hands."

The pair, who just got married, are actually not in the disease riddled paradise for their honeymoon. Instead, Heidi is shooting her new music video, "Sex Ed." (We all remember what a joy her last video was) They are expecting to go on their honeymoon next week.

"I think were discussing with MTV going to Tahiti or Fiji, somewhere tropical and exciting," Pratt said. Asked if MTV is footing the bill, Pratt said, "We'll see. Since it is a recession, we might just be going to Santa Monica Beach!"

I'd actually like Heidi and Spencer to come back to America. I want them to come straight to the set of The Hills, with all their friends waiting for them sequestered in an air-tight room. With a little luck, everyone will be too sick to film any more episodes of the show. Swine Flu, you could be my new best friend... just don't get too close.

The Hills' stars Heidi Montag and super-douche Spencer Pratt finally tied the knot this weekend after a couple of lame publicity stunt marriage attempts over the past year. We should all be very concerned right now, as this moves them one step closer to reproducing and leashing some sort of publicity-seeking hell demon upon the world. God help us.

I always thought FOX was the most celebrity-loving reality-show-obsessed network, but it turns out NBC is pretty evil and brilliant on that front. Today, they announced the partial cast list for their upcoming reality show, I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!, only the famous people aren't so much awesome as they are annoying, and they're all going to be humiliated. I can't wait for it to start on June 1.

'I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!' is the ultimate Swiss Family Robinson, as ten celebrities are dropped into the heart of the jungle to face fun and comedic challenges designed to test their survival skills. America is the puppet master, controlling their favorite celebrities by putting them into challenges and tasks to win food, supplies and luxury items." (NBC)

The show will eventually have ten "celebrity" cast members, but yesterday they announced seven:

- NBA player John Salley
- TV star and supermodel Janice Dickinson
- Former American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar
- Wrestling champ and beauty queen Torrie Wilson
- Actor Stephen Baldwin
- The Hills star Heidi Montag
- The Hills star Spencer Pratt

Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was going to be a contestant, but a judge denied his request to travel to the filming location of Costa Rica. Rod was involved in the call announcing the contestants, however.