Picture this: You're thinking about posing for a nudie-magazine, but you're not sure about it (also, you're a woman... just go with me on this). Who do you call for advice? Why, the skankiest stupidest whore you know of course. That is, besides yourself. On a completely different story, Heidi Montag recently called Kim Kardashian to ask if she should pose for Playboy.

"I was in Mexico and I got a call from Heidi saying, 'Call me right now,'" Kim told MTV News. "So I called her and she had said to me, 'What do you think? What's your opinion on if I were to do Playboy?'"

Kim posed naked for the December 2007 issue, so she knows all about it. Her repsonse to Heidi: "Go for it." Like it would be anything else.

"I think that now's the time," Kim said. "I think it's a very classy magazine. It's artsy. I talked her through the whole process and helped her make up her mind."

Other things on Kim Kardashian's classy list: bedazzled underwear, movies made in that France city, any fish that doesn't start with "gold", Franzia: the world's most popular wine, bread WITH butter and dates where no one vomits on themselves. Man, that's artsy.

Celebrity feuds are awesome. Wait, let me take that back. Real celebrity feuds are awesome - see, they have to include real celebrities. When Al Roker makes fun of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, and they don't know who he is, it doesn't count. Apparently, Al yelled at them on Monday's Today show, which confused the idiot duo:

"People keep on referring to this weatherman like I'm supposed to know who he is," Spencer told Usmagazine.com hours after Roker -- whom The Hills star admits he thought was just a fan from off the street -- told him people think he acts like a jerk. "So a shout-out to Weatherman, who I guess got to even hang out with us this morning."

"This weather guy was definitely out of line, and he should stick to predicting cloudy days," Heidi said.

Heidi Montag posed for photos in a bikini in Costa Rica over the weekend and we all got a special treat - it turns out she actually knows how to use a shower. For months now I'd been living under the impression that her caked-on makeup surrounding vacant lifeless eyes was a permanent thing, but apparently she likes to get clean once and a while. I guess even a sponge needs to be washed now-and-then, especially one filled with liquids and juices found throughout California. Ugh, she should just strap a mattress to her back - it'd be easier.

There was a time when doing Playboy meant you were at the end of your career and had no other options for getting money and publicity. God, I miss those times. It's now been confirmed that Heidi Montag will bare it all in the September issue.

"There is nudity. It's tasteful - she had a lot of fun with it," a source told People Magazine, who also reported the news.

Oh good, we're going to get to see Heidi topless. That should be a fun way to keep me skinny as I vomit non-stop for three and a half days. I know, I shouldn't make fun of a disease like bulimia, but that's how awful this idea is - it's making me become politically incorrect. Are you happy now, Heidi? You realize that if you open those legs, I'm going to start insulting minorities left and right. I won't be able to help myself!

Ps. I hope she goes with a cowboy theme. You know, just for kicks. I think it'd be fun to see a horse in that much pain.

It's hard to say your average television producer doesn't understand his public when he makes statements like this:

"(Spencer and Heidi Pratt) are everything that's wrong with America," Executive Vice President of Alternative Programming for NBC and Universal Media Studios, Paul Telegdy, said in a statement to Access Hollywood. "They are insincere, lazy, entitled and they claim the devil has possessed them."

Hallelujah! Paul is pissed because of the chaos the idiots from The Hills have caused on his show, I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! Since it premiered on Monday, they've tried to relentlessly promote Heidi's shampoo line, Spencer asked cast member Stephen Baldwin to baptize him, they compared their fame to Brangelina, and quit three times with Heidi blaming "the devil" for it.

It may shock you that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have to be the center of attention at all times. Of course, when I say "shock", I mean the one you get from sticking your fork in the electrical socket to avoid paying attention to them. Well, I've got good news and bad news. The duo can't stand being part of a cast of others, so they're quitting NBC's I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!. This means they won't be on your TV, but they will be back in your country.

The bratty newlyweds, who star on MTV's "The Hills," seem to mean it this time after ditching the NBC competition show at least twice, then changing their minds.

"I'm a Celebrity," which premiered Monday, airs from the Costa Rican jungle, with semi-famous people competing for food, supplies and TV screen-time. (AP)

NO! We were so close to having them in the jungle. Think of all the awful ways they could have died! There are snake bites, quicksand, angry natives, weird diseases, falling off a cliff, falling off a mountain, drowning... *Sigh* I know, I shouldn't even think such things. It's just teasing me now.

Dear producers of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. These are recent shots of Spencer and Heidi filming a a Pizza Hut commercial that has a tie in to your show. Please view each one carefully - this is the crap you're going to be dealing with all summer. Now, America is going to turn its back for 15 minutes. When we turn back around, if Heidi and Spencer have been shot, their bodies dragged into the jungle and then buried 15 feet underground, well, we didn't see anything. It's just a suggestion.