Heidi Montag was photographed a few days ago during a dance rehearsal for something I don't care about but will probably be crammed down my throat anyway (like everything she does). All I know is it includes her flipping her hair around and bending over to show what little of an ass she has. My favorite part of these pictures is her backup dancers. It's as if she went, "Ok, I need to find girls who are uglier than me so I shine. What do you mean no professional dancers fit that description. Fine, then go down to the bus station and get me four ugly girls, I'll teach them to dance myself." That employee was later fired for doing it and still bringing back more attractive people than Heidi.

I thought it was over. I thought we survived the worst of it. It was hard, and we lost a lot of good men out there... great men... but I thought it meant something. Now, though, we learn it's all going to happen again. Oh God, it's all going to happen again! We're not through, not by a long shot...

Heidi Montag is possibly going to pose for Playboy again.

Why didn't Heidi Pratt bare all in the September issue of Playboy?

"Always leave them asking for more," she said on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM radio show Tuesday. "Next time, I'll have more to reveal."

Asked if she has a two- or three-part Playboy deal, she coyly replied, "Maybe."

Though many of the photos were racy, she said she didn't feel she compromised her Christianity.

"For me personally, I feel like God created the body, and the body is beautiful," she said. "The way God created us was naked. So I am not ashamed of it. I'm proud of it... This was such a blessed experience."

Heidi went on to say her moral center isn't violated when she gets banged from behind by a line of dudes as Spencer watches, since that's called Doggy Style and God created the doggy. And when she snorts lines of cocaine off the mirror, she knows the drug comes from nature and it's just a way of praising Jesus. Heidi then ended the interview short saying she had to go get another abortion so she could send more friends to God in Heaven. Hallelujah!

Well, we've built it up enough here on Celebrity Milkshake, might as well take this baby on home. Here are the airbrushed, bleached-blonde, nude-but-not, lifeless Heidi Montag Playboy photos. I want you to understand I wouldn't do this for anyone, just for you. Going through these photos was worse than the dental surgery I had this morning, I kid you not. In fact, my doctor actually had a copy of this Playboy sitting on the counter. I said, "Hey Doc, why's this here?" To which he replied, "I'm a dentist, I'm a glutton for pain. Now, you read it as I warm up the drill. Until then, you need some Novocaine from this giant needle?" "Nah," I said, flipping through the pages, "I've pretty much gone numb from this torture. Thanks though."

Want to know the most amount of orgasms Heidi Montag had in one day with Spencer Pratt? Pick up the new issue of Playboy Magazine and you can read all about it. But wait, don't waste your money, read it here for free and we'll throw in you being unable to stop vomiting as an added bonus.

"You know, I was never very sexual before I met you, Spencer," she tells Spencer, who interviews her for the issue. "I knew what sex was, but when I met you I entered into a whole new realm of understanding, from fantasy to love. Or to experience a day with 20 or 30 orgasms. Before you, sex was just something that happened. Now it's something I look forward to every minute of the day." (Us Magazine)

First of all, burn to all of Heidi's old boyfriends. Second of all, burn to me - literally. I set myself on fire so I wouldn't have to read anymore. You can go at it though:

The oddest place they've done it? This past New Year's Eve on a private plane. Heidi calls it "the best experience Ive ever had in my entire life."

"I feel sorry for couples who arent as sexually satisfied as we are," she adds.

But Heidi says she'll never film their conquests

Says Heidi, "Ive never watched porn in my life. I'm not going to start making it."

Hallelujah, the first awesome thing to come out of this interview. Although it's short-lived if you think about. Even if they haven't made any "official" sex-tapes, you know Spencer's that creepy douche dude who's got hidden cameras set up in the bedroom. As soon as they get divorced (for the publicity, of course), one will immediately hit the market. *Shudder.* That may be the best reason for them to stay a couple I've ever heard.

You know, I knew it was coming. I prepared, I psyched myself up, I took anger management classes...and it still wasn't enough. Heidi Montag unveiled her new Playboy cover at the premiere of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and it's everything awful you expect it to be. Seriously, let's go through the checklist: bleached-blonde whore? Check! Same lifeless expression found in real life? Check! Heidi covered in something? Check! (It's dirt, for those wondering. Yeah, I was expecting semen too, but hey, at least she's meeting expectation.) Now, if you'll excuse me, I ate a wonderful three-course Italian meal earlier and I'm about to vomit it all up. Heidi, I'm sending you a dry-cleaning bill.

Think of the most ridiculous stupid thing in the world. Got it? Now, is it dumber than agreeing to be in Playboy and then not get nude? Nope, it's not - Heidi Montag beats you again.

The naked truth about Heidi Pratt's photos in the September issue of Playboy? She doesn't bare all.

"She's not nude," her sister Holly Montag told Usmagazine.com Monday at Ryan Sheckler X Games Celebrity Classic in Coto De Caza, Calif. "Her Maxim cover was so gorgeous and tasteful, and I know Playboy is going to be the same. It's really cool that she can be part of the Playboy family. I love it. I go up there all the time and play poker. I love the girls there, and it's very cool to be a part of that legacy." (Us Magazine)

Ok, let's be fair here - This is a girl who married Spencer Pratt and is sisters with Holly Montag, so becoming part of a family that's made up of entirely blonde, idiot, whores reeeeeeeeeally isn't too much of a stretch for her. Still, good work on the posing for a nudie magazine without being nude, Heidi. Next up, she'll make a guest appearance on the Food Network where all she does is vomit.

Look, I have no problem with "crazy". You want to go celebrity crazy and shave off all your hair and attack people with an umbrella? Awesome. You want to go mad scientist crazy and hold the world hostage with your weather machine. Best of luck to you. But when you go religious crazy, sir, you've gone a step too far... or in Spencer and Heidi's case, one giant leap off a cliff to far.

The newly religious pair went on Alex Jones' radio show, which is known for right-wing conspiracy insanity, and they matched him nutjob-for-nutjob:

"I was just saying about birth control, because I got very scared about it the other day and I felt like God was telling me that this was something just created by the government that is really bad for my body and I was just getting sick, and I researched it, and one of the founding people who invented birth control said it was the worst thing they had ever done, they wished they'd never created it, how it morally corrupted society, it's just sickening to him," Heidi said in the longest sentence ever.

"How it devalues women, how it causes depression, how it can cause cancer, how it sterilizes your body, and what it does to your body, how most women are suicidal sometimes on it, and in fact, in order to even stabilize the population right now, each woman would have to have three children, that the population is decreasing so much that population control is just a myth," she continued.