As an added bonus to those Kim Kardashian photos, here's something she posted in her blog that may make you want to kill yourself. Well, maybe it's not such a bonus, but it comes free anyway. And remember, for all you depressed girls out there, nothing kills my erection faster than you being goth.

"Since vampires are all the rage right now, Troy Jensen and I thought it would be cool to try out a more gothic, almost sinister look! This look was inspired by Prada's fall 2009 runway show and it is so unlike anything I've ever done!" she wrote. "And no, I didn't actually get rid of my eyebrows, haha. Troy used an eyebrow concealing wax to hide them! Pretty creepy, right? I call this my Twilight look! What do you think?"

I think that someone needs to find me a stake because I'm going vampire hunting. Yes I know they're not actually real, but sometimes you've just got to believe. Come on people, believe with me. Beliiiiiiiiiiiiieve. Also, a chunk of wood through the heart is going to destroy a person just as well as a vampire, so I think I'm good no matter what happens.

The last time Kim Kardashian was in a bikini, I made fun of her for being near meat and smiling. I think I said there was some sort of subtle sexual imagery there. Good thing there's nothing like that in these new photos. All you have here is Kim gripping a long tube-like water gun, pumping it over and over, harder and harder until liquid explodes out from the tip - smiling the whole time. And who wouldn't be when having this much fun. For Kim's next set of bikini photos, she will be laying down next to a pool with her legs spread and a giant water noodle between her thighs. Now that's a pic for the whole family to enjoy.

If there is one thing I love more than women, it is cars. Because I am a man, and men love women and cars and shaving with a switchblade. This is what men do. So when I saw that a few of my favorite manly things had been combined, I was so surprised I almost stopped lifting weights. Almost. Here are some pics from Kim Kardashian kicking off the Bullrun Rally, an insanely testosterone car race from New York to Texas. It is extreme! EXTREME! MACHO! MANLY! YES!!!!!!!!

...is the camera off?

Thank god. If anyone needs me, I'll be taking a bubble bath in my trailer while watching some Will and Grace reruns. Ah, heaven... What do you mean the red light means we're still filming? Aw poo...

If you pick up a rock and throw it, you'll hit someone who saw Michael Jackson's memorial yesterday. Seriously, no one needs another recap - not when there are celebrities to be mocked because of it. Kim Kardashian attended the event and found ways to make it all about herself. Big shock, I know. But when Jackson's daughter Paris spoke and made everyone in the world choke up a little , Kim tweeted about Kim.

"I spoke at my dad's funeral & it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do," she wrote. "I was shaking & crying & what Paris did was sooo soooo brave!"

Kardashian went to the memorial with her sisters Kourtney and Khloe and her mother Kris Jenner, and "we all cried & laughed & remembered," she tweeted. (Us Magazine)

Here's a fun fact. They actually had to hold the memorial at the Staples Center, not because of the massive crowd, but because it was the only building that could house Kim's monstrous ego.

"It's just really important to be here to support the Jackson family. My family and I have known them for years, so it's really special to be here for them," she told Us Magazine.

I have to agree with her. It was right for them to be there - Nothing says world wide mourning better than when thinking about the Kardashians.

I'm not sure who keeps telling Kim Kardashian to put on a bikini and pose for photos, but it seems like they're running out of ideas. These current shots feature her going down a water slide into a pool (awesome) and then grilling food (Um, ok?). I'm guessing they asked Kim what she wanted to do for that second one, and grilling meat was her answer. This is a perfect example of what goes on in Kim's head. Because you know what they say: Meat on the brain means meat in the vagina. Yeah, they say that.

Picture this: You're thinking about posing for a nudie-magazine, but you're not sure about it (also, you're a woman... just go with me on this). Who do you call for advice? Why, the skankiest stupidest whore you know of course. That is, besides yourself. On a completely different story, Heidi Montag recently called Kim Kardashian to ask if she should pose for Playboy.

"I was in Mexico and I got a call from Heidi saying, 'Call me right now,'" Kim told MTV News. "So I called her and she had said to me, 'What do you think? What's your opinion on if I were to do Playboy?'"

Kim posed naked for the December 2007 issue, so she knows all about it. Her repsonse to Heidi: "Go for it." Like it would be anything else.

"I think that now's the time," Kim said. "I think it's a very classy magazine. It's artsy. I talked her through the whole process and helped her make up her mind."

Other things on Kim Kardashian's classy list: bedazzled underwear, movies made in that France city, any fish that doesn't start with "gold", Franzia: the world's most popular wine, bread WITH butter and dates where no one vomits on themselves. Man, that's artsy.

Someone sent me this pic of a sexy short-haired girl, and I was all interested. Then she opened her mouth to reveal she was Kim Karsashian and I was all vomiting. Kim changed her hair to be on the cover of Oprah's O Magazine.

“This shoot was the first time I worked with famed hair stylist Ken Paves. He completely transformed my hair! Check it out! We used a wig!" she wrote on her blog. "This isn’t the first time I’ve experimented with wigs haha. Remember my blond wig?? What do u think of me with short hair?"

Darnit Kim, stop messing with your hair. It means I have to keep writing about it. I don't want to, I have to. Everyone knows that if the celebrity blogs don't pay attention to you, then you die, and I'm not having that on my conscious. It's the same way for all celebrity whores. Why do you think I keep writing about Heidi Montag? Not by choice, let me tell you.