How much do you think the cast of The Hills should make per episode? Fifty? Sixty? Seventy cents per episode? A dollar? Well, prepare yourself for a massive amount of hysterical crying - they make more than $100,000 per episode!

The Daily Beast reported on Monday that Audrina Patridge, Lauren "Lo" Bosworth and Heidi Montag are all earning $100,000 an episode, just $25,000 less than ex-"Hills" star Lauren Conrad earned before she departed the show this summer.

Former "Laguna Beach" star Kristin Cavallari joined "The Hills" with a reported $90,000 per episode salary, giving her a bigger paycheck then series regular, Hollywood bad boy King Spencer Pratt.

Spencer, the report claimed, is earning just $65,000 an episode. But his salary is still more than his pal Brody Jenner, who the report claimed earns just $45,000.

But the reality stars and starlets can make money outside of their MTV neighborhood too, thanks to personal appearance fees. Celebrity booking agent Mike Esterman told the Web site, some of the show's ladies can earn $20,000-$25,000 for personal appearances. Additionally, Heidi reportedly took home $375K for her Playboy cover shoot over the summer.

Ugh, when I was little, my mom told me I needed to go to school because I couldn't make a living out of being a shallow, unfunny, moron. Well, who's the moron now mom! ... I guess it's all of us for paying them this much.

ps. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Spencer sucks!

Listen, Ryan Seacrest takes a lot of crap for being tiny, possibly gay and kind of a pussy - but I'll give him credit when credit is due. Like, for instance, pissing off Spencer Pratt by saying, on his radio show, that Heidi should be Tased. The dude is my hero!

The Hills star tells Usmagazine.com that he's outraged that on Seacrest's KIIS0-FM radio show Wednesday morning, the American Idol host said that if he could tase a reality star, he'd choose Heidi Montag.

"I'm disgusted and horrified that Ryan Seacrest would find it amusing and entertaining to have his listeners call in about tasing anyone," he told Us exclusively. "What's next, Ryan -- guns and knives? Waterboarding? It is irresponsible and offensive for someone with your platform to promote violence on this level. For someone who produces reality content, I'm shocked that you'd encourage people to tase reality stars. Would it be funny to you if one of your Kardashians got tased? Is that how you treat your talent, Ryan?"

Ryan then giggled non-stop for about half an hour at that thought before allowing Spencer to go on.

On the radio show, Seacrest took calls from listeners. Others considered for what Seacrest Tweeted as a "funny topic" were The Apprentice's Omarosa, Tila Tequila and Daisy from Rock of Love.

"Finding humor in violence is disgusting," Spencer continued. "For someone who pretends to be mister clean-cut America, you really should be ashamed. Any reasonable person knows that a taser isn't a Super Soaker and can cause immediate death."

The reality star then cited a University of California study about the potentially lethal danger of tasers.

"I expect an apology not to just us, but to people everywhere for using your public voice to spread violence," he concluded.

To show his disapproval, Pratt also took to his Twitter page, where he changed his profile picture to one of Seacrest as a chubby child.

Spencer then continued being pissy by holding his breath, putting his curled-up fists against his head and stamping around in a circle. Seriously, Spencer, if you're going to make everyone hate you and your wife, then sometime, somewhere, someone is going to want to Tase you. I know I do. That's just life, man, get over it.

Oh god, please let him be joking. I want to believe that he's not serious, but he's said as-stupid-crap before and meant it. Ugh, please, let him be joking.

Spencer Pratt has found a new way to royally upset his haters.

The Hills star, 25, tells Usmagazine.com that he is changing his name ... to "King Spencer Pratt."

"I've decided since there is a Queen of England and a Prince William that there should be a king of America," he tells Us. "I nominate myself for that role."

Pratt thinks his wife Heidi Montag deserves a royal title, too.

In a recent interview with The Hills: The After Show, he called her "the new, modern-day, 2010 Michael Jackson," who was famously known as the King of Pop.

"Michael Jackson's in heaven," he said. "The Holy Spirit now has extra Michael Jackson juice, so boom! For all we know, Heidi gets possessed with some of that Michael Jackson divine spirit." (Us Magazine)

Actually, having Spencer as a king wouldn't be such a bad thing. They still allow the people to revolt and behead the ruler, right? Viva la revolución, bitches!

Spencer and Heidi are in The Bahamas and so a slew of posed bikini and topless-douchebag photos have started hitting the Web. *Sigh* I guess it's not their fault by acting out for attention. I mean, you wouldn't blame a child for doing the same thing, you'd blame the parents for letting him. That is, unless you're me. I always blame the child and then punish him - especially if he's someone else's. Now, where's a rolled up newspaper I can smack Spencer and Heidi with? See, that's how I punish the children, I hit them with newspapers. That's why I'm so sad to hear everyone talk about the death of print journalism and how everything is moving to online. It's just not as funny to beat up a kid using a computer.

Do you think I like this? Do you? Do you think all I want to do is give you news about Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. Hell no! But if I don't, suddenly all I hear is whining. I'll get girl after girl going, "Why did I have to go to another Web site to learn these things? I thought that's what your job is." To which I reply, "Why are you talking with your mouth full. Get back to the job you're already in the middle of."

Spencer Pratt wants to get paid for sitting in the sun.

A source in the Bahamas told Access Hollywood that Spencer requested an appearance fee to sit poolside at the Atlantis Paradise Island beach resort in the Bahamas, the location he and his wife, Heidi, jetted off to today in preparation for the Miss Universe pageant.

A rep for the couple denied the report, however, the rep did confirm that Heidi has gone back to her original name in public.

Not long after marrying Spencer Pratt in Pasadena, Calif., in April, Heidi decided to change her name professionally to Heidi Pratt, However, she will now go by her birth name, Heidi Montag, professionally. She will use her married name for legal purposes.

Was the rep for the couple actually Spencer? And did that same rep then go, "Yeah, and I'm going to need $3000 for answering your questions. Make it out to CASH, which stands for 'Creating Attention for Spencer and Heidi.' I made that up myself, because I am the King of Awesome! WOOOOOOO!" ... I bet he didn't, since I just made it up and that's actually my title. Still, don't you just hate him a little more anyway?

ps. WOOOOOOOOO!

Want to know the most amount of orgasms Heidi Montag had in one day with Spencer Pratt? Pick up the new issue of Playboy Magazine and you can read all about it. But wait, don't waste your money, read it here for free and we'll throw in you being unable to stop vomiting as an added bonus.

"You know, I was never very sexual before I met you, Spencer," she tells Spencer, who interviews her for the issue. "I knew what sex was, but when I met you I entered into a whole new realm of understanding, from fantasy to love. Or to experience a day with 20 or 30 orgasms. Before you, sex was just something that happened. Now it's something I look forward to every minute of the day." (Us Magazine)

First of all, burn to all of Heidi's old boyfriends. Second of all, burn to me - literally. I set myself on fire so I wouldn't have to read anymore. You can go at it though:

The oddest place they've done it? This past New Year's Eve on a private plane. Heidi calls it "the best experience Ive ever had in my entire life."

"I feel sorry for couples who arent as sexually satisfied as we are," she adds.

But Heidi says she'll never film their conquests

Says Heidi, "Ive never watched porn in my life. I'm not going to start making it."

Hallelujah, the first awesome thing to come out of this interview. Although it's short-lived if you think about. Even if they haven't made any "official" sex-tapes, you know Spencer's that creepy douche dude who's got hidden cameras set up in the bedroom. As soon as they get divorced (for the publicity, of course), one will immediately hit the market. *Shudder.* That may be the best reason for them to stay a couple I've ever heard.

You know, I knew it was coming. I prepared, I psyched myself up, I took anger management classes...and it still wasn't enough. Heidi Montag unveiled her new Playboy cover at the premiere of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and it's everything awful you expect it to be. Seriously, let's go through the checklist: bleached-blonde whore? Check! Same lifeless expression found in real life? Check! Heidi covered in something? Check! (It's dirt, for those wondering. Yeah, I was expecting semen too, but hey, at least she's meeting expectation.) Now, if you'll excuse me, I ate a wonderful three-course Italian meal earlier and I'm about to vomit it all up. Heidi, I'm sending you a dry-cleaning bill.