A few weeks ago, I had to be rushed to the emergency room after trying to write about Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag's sex life and nearly breaking the record for amount of vomit produced in one day. Now I'm writing about how they're cutting back on sex and you know I'm feeling pretty good and...no, wait, there it is. Everyone who is in the path to the bathroom, get the hell out of the way!

"Heidi's mom had her when she was 19 years old, so she's got this whole young mom theory that I just found out about. But I keep telling her, you can still be a young mom at 27 - chill out! She's not having it though," Spencer told The New York Post's PopWrap on Tuesday when asked if the world should prepare for the coming of Speidi spawn.

"OK, I'm gonna get crass here - but we're barely having sex because I'm scared that she's gonna have a baby. That's the level our marriage is on right now. I'm not even kidding - my wife has me debating cutting off my n***," he revealed.

As baby crazy as she is, Spencer said he doesn't think Heidi would trick him into having a little Speidi-tot.

"She's not the kind of person who would lie - she would just walk away and not answer the question," he continued. "So yes, I'm very concerned. Our sex life has dramatically changed recently." (Access Hollywood)

Oh god, please cut off your n--ts, Spencer. For the good of all humanity, do it, do it now... Ok, I'm going to reason with you - if you don't, I will, and I'm using this ice cream scoop. I don't have to, but I want to because life is all about finding the little joys.

Spencer Pratt went to The New York Post to complain about the attention other people are getting and how he's better than everyone. So, basically, nothing's new.

Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian have been dominating all the headlines lately. But Hills star Spencer Pratt claims he is still more famous than the three reality star sibs.

"Speidi is Barack and Michelle famous, not Kardashian famous!" Pratt, 26, tells the New York Post, comparing his relationship with wife Heidi Montag to the Obamas.

He later added, "The fact that USA Today said we're the third most famous couple in the world after Brangelina and The Obamas is amazing. I don't care what people say about me. It's cool."

Pratt also disses former Hills star Lauren Conrad, whom he says quit the show because "Speidi was getting more famous than her."

"Her ego ruined her life and her career -- I pray for her every day and we'd all love for her to come back to The Hills when she realizes her move didn't work," he says of Conrad, who earned $125,000 per episode (and reportedly stipulated that no other star's salary could match hers). "She tried to put MTV over a barrel by demanding more money than God."

Like Conrad, Audrina Patridge is making a big mistake leaving The Hills, Pratt says. (Patridge has plans for her own reality show.)

"The day she can hold 22 minutes of content with her brain, is the day I'm walking on Mars with no oxygen tank barefoot," he says. "Unfortunately, Audrina will have to wake up from that dream soon!" (Us Magazine)

This reminds me of the old joke: "What did one moron say to the other moron?" Give up? "Nothing... and then MTV filmed it and turned it into The Hills."

How much do you think the cast of The Hills should make per episode? Fifty? Sixty? Seventy cents per episode? A dollar? Well, prepare yourself for a massive amount of hysterical crying - they make more than $100,000 per episode!

The Daily Beast reported on Monday that Audrina Patridge, Lauren "Lo" Bosworth and Heidi Montag are all earning $100,000 an episode, just $25,000 less than ex-"Hills" star Lauren Conrad earned before she departed the show this summer.

Former "Laguna Beach" star Kristin Cavallari joined "The Hills" with a reported $90,000 per episode salary, giving her a bigger paycheck then series regular, Hollywood bad boy King Spencer Pratt.

Spencer, the report claimed, is earning just $65,000 an episode. But his salary is still more than his pal Brody Jenner, who the report claimed earns just $45,000.

But the reality stars and starlets can make money outside of their MTV neighborhood too, thanks to personal appearance fees. Celebrity booking agent Mike Esterman told the Web site, some of the show's ladies can earn $20,000-$25,000 for personal appearances. Additionally, Heidi reportedly took home $375K for her Playboy cover shoot over the summer.

Ugh, when I was little, my mom told me I needed to go to school because I couldn't make a living out of being a shallow, unfunny, moron. Well, who's the moron now mom! ... I guess it's all of us for paying them this much.

ps. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Spencer sucks!

Listen, Ryan Seacrest takes a lot of crap for being tiny, possibly gay and kind of a pussy - but I'll give him credit when credit is due. Like, for instance, pissing off Spencer Pratt by saying, on his radio show, that Heidi should be Tased. The dude is my hero!

The Hills star tells Usmagazine.com that he's outraged that on Seacrest's KIIS0-FM radio show Wednesday morning, the American Idol host said that if he could tase a reality star, he'd choose Heidi Montag.

"I'm disgusted and horrified that Ryan Seacrest would find it amusing and entertaining to have his listeners call in about tasing anyone," he told Us exclusively. "What's next, Ryan -- guns and knives? Waterboarding? It is irresponsible and offensive for someone with your platform to promote violence on this level. For someone who produces reality content, I'm shocked that you'd encourage people to tase reality stars. Would it be funny to you if one of your Kardashians got tased? Is that how you treat your talent, Ryan?"

Ryan then giggled non-stop for about half an hour at that thought before allowing Spencer to go on.

On the radio show, Seacrest took calls from listeners. Others considered for what Seacrest Tweeted as a "funny topic" were The Apprentice's Omarosa, Tila Tequila and Daisy from Rock of Love.

"Finding humor in violence is disgusting," Spencer continued. "For someone who pretends to be mister clean-cut America, you really should be ashamed. Any reasonable person knows that a taser isn't a Super Soaker and can cause immediate death."

The reality star then cited a University of California study about the potentially lethal danger of tasers.

"I expect an apology not to just us, but to people everywhere for using your public voice to spread violence," he concluded.

To show his disapproval, Pratt also took to his Twitter page, where he changed his profile picture to one of Seacrest as a chubby child.

Spencer then continued being pissy by holding his breath, putting his curled-up fists against his head and stamping around in a circle. Seriously, Spencer, if you're going to make everyone hate you and your wife, then sometime, somewhere, someone is going to want to Tase you. I know I do. That's just life, man, get over it.

Oh god, please let him be joking. I want to believe that he's not serious, but he's said as-stupid-crap before and meant it. Ugh, please, let him be joking.

Spencer Pratt has found a new way to royally upset his haters.

The Hills star, 25, tells Usmagazine.com that he is changing his name ... to "King Spencer Pratt."

"I've decided since there is a Queen of England and a Prince William that there should be a king of America," he tells Us. "I nominate myself for that role."

Pratt thinks his wife Heidi Montag deserves a royal title, too.

In a recent interview with The Hills: The After Show, he called her "the new, modern-day, 2010 Michael Jackson," who was famously known as the King of Pop.

"Michael Jackson's in heaven," he said. "The Holy Spirit now has extra Michael Jackson juice, so boom! For all we know, Heidi gets possessed with some of that Michael Jackson divine spirit." (Us Magazine)

Actually, having Spencer as a king wouldn't be such a bad thing. They still allow the people to revolt and behead the ruler, right? Viva la revolución, bitches!

Spencer and Heidi are in The Bahamas and so a slew of posed bikini and topless-douchebag photos have started hitting the Web. *Sigh* I guess it's not their fault by acting out for attention. I mean, you wouldn't blame a child for doing the same thing, you'd blame the parents for letting him. That is, unless you're me. I always blame the child and then punish him - especially if he's someone else's. Now, where's a rolled up newspaper I can smack Spencer and Heidi with? See, that's how I punish the children, I hit them with newspapers. That's why I'm so sad to hear everyone talk about the death of print journalism and how everything is moving to online. It's just not as funny to beat up a kid using a computer.

Do you think I like this? Do you? Do you think all I want to do is give you news about Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. Hell no! But if I don't, suddenly all I hear is whining. I'll get girl after girl going, "Why did I have to go to another Web site to learn these things? I thought that's what your job is." To which I reply, "Why are you talking with your mouth full. Get back to the job you're already in the middle of."

Spencer Pratt wants to get paid for sitting in the sun.

A source in the Bahamas told Access Hollywood that Spencer requested an appearance fee to sit poolside at the Atlantis Paradise Island beach resort in the Bahamas, the location he and his wife, Heidi, jetted off to today in preparation for the Miss Universe pageant.

A rep for the couple denied the report, however, the rep did confirm that Heidi has gone back to her original name in public.

Not long after marrying Spencer Pratt in Pasadena, Calif., in April, Heidi decided to change her name professionally to Heidi Pratt, However, she will now go by her birth name, Heidi Montag, professionally. She will use her married name for legal purposes.

Was the rep for the couple actually Spencer? And did that same rep then go, "Yeah, and I'm going to need $3000 for answering your questions. Make it out to CASH, which stands for 'Creating Attention for Spencer and Heidi.' I made that up myself, because I am the King of Awesome! WOOOOOOO!" ... I bet he didn't, since I just made it up and that's actually my title. Still, don't you just hate him a little more anyway?

ps. WOOOOOOOOO!