The 81st Annual Academy Awards were last night and were so incredibly boring I nearly lapsed into a coma - twice. Aside from Sean Penn's upset of Mickey Rourke the results were utterly predictable and I'm not even going to bother listing the winners, but I will discuss which ladies won over my heart penis. Oh, and it's really a shame no one told Hugh Jackman in advance that he was hosting the Oscars and not the Tony Awards. Take your Broadway musical numbers back east, buddy, and maybe learn to tell at least one funny joke in three-plus hours.

Anyway, it's always hard to understand when female celebrities show up to this little shindig looking like crap. Fortunately, this year most of the ladies finally figured out the obvious: if you wear a strapless gown it makes the guys (and some girls) picture you naked so you look good no matter how much you screw up everything else. Vanessa Hudgens, for example, could show up wearing a dress made of stitched-together squirrel remains, but as long as those shiny shoulders are exposed she's going to look hot no matter what. Here are some pictures of actresses who went strapless and earned my stamp of approval.

Anne Hathaway was doing a fine job of moving past the scandal of her ex-boyfriend going to prison for fraud, then she had to open her mouth and talk about the relationship again. Apparently where they went wrong wasn't the fraud and deception, oh no, it was about a flower arrangement. The Sun reports:

The Rachel Getting Married beauty realised Raffaello Follieri wasn’t the man for her when he insisted an arrangement of wilting cherry blossom branches be thrown out.

She said of the flowers: “They lasted a month and were beautiful even as they died.

“Raffaello always liked things fancier and perfect and told our maid to throw them out.

“That was when I knew we saw things differently.”

Riiiiiiiiigggghhhht. Forget about the fact that he was defrauding people out of money and falsifying connections with the Vatican, that's all fun and games. But don't fuck with Anne's wilting flowers or she'll put you out on your ass.

While at a charity event, Anne Hathaway decided to spontaneously auction herself off for a good cause, with the winners basically going out with her to get trashed. People reports:

How much does a date with Anne Hathaway cost? Oh, about $12,000, give or take.

That's the price three fans paid for drinks with the Rachel Getting Married actress at the Cracked X-mas Fundraiser in Los Angeles Sunday night.

"I'm not usually very forward, but I thought if there was ever a crowd for me to do something like this, this is my crowd so I would like to auction myself off," Hathaway announced, "for drinks somewhere fabulous and basically get you totally s--- faced. Tell me what I'm worth."

The proceeds for the night went to benefit the Trevor Project, a crisis helpline for LGBT youth. Hathaway, 26, was embarrassed when her price kept going up. "I'm blushing," Hathaway said during the bidding process. "Wow, I feel really good right now."

You know how when you go out to the bars for a night and wake up the next morning and wonder what the hell happened to all of your cash? That's not nearly as bad as waking up hung over and realizing you dropped several grand. Besides, everyone knows that the way to Anne Hathway's heart (and pants) is by touting your lofty connections, even if you have to fabricate them. Sorry Anne, but we're going to make these jokes for at least another few months.

Meanwhile, here's Hathaway dropping some serious, serious cleavage at an event honoring photographer Herb Ritts. These photos are a bit on the old side, but I'm guessing no one is going to mind.

Actress Anne Hathaway appeared in the September 2008 issue of Vogue magazine. I could write something more and maybe make a crack about her ex-boyfriend in jail, but you just want to get to the photos anyway, so here they are...

If you were a Hollywood actress who recently went through a well-documented breakup with your fiance because he was arrested by the FBI for fraud, it makes sense that you'd be sick and tired of being asked about it during interviews while promoting your movies, right? So it's more than a little surprising to read the details of Anne Hathaway's next project, as reported today by Variety:

Warner Bros. has set Anne Hathaway to star and Burr Steers to direct the romantic comedy “The Fiance.” Studio is eyeing a March production start.

Oh, it gets better...

Hathaway will play a woman who cancels wedding plans and breaks up with her seemingly perfect fiance so she can try to figure out who she really is. Her meddling parents try to patch things up between the pair, making it impossible for her to move on.

You have got to be kidding me. You'd think Hathaway would do any project that would help her move past this summer's scandal, but instead she decides to do a movie called Fiance that involves a shocking breakup in which the guy is "seemingly" perfect? I hope she's prepared to spend another year talking about her relationship with Raffaello Follieri while he's sitting in prison. This is essentially the celebrity news version of punching yourself in the face.

UPDATE: Aforementioned ex-boyfriend just got a 4 1/2 year prison sentence.

Here's Hathaway in London at a recent special screening for her latest film, Rachel Getting Married...

Raffaello Follieri, Anne Hathaway's ex-boyfriend who is currently awaiting his sentence after pleading guilty on fraud charges, made a bold move to appeal to the judge. And by bold we mean epically absurd and idiotic. According to the AP he sent a little something to the judge that he thought might help...

Prosecutors said Monday they were surprised the former boyfriend of actress Anne Hathaway sent a judge a photo of himself and the pope while seeking leniency for cheating investors of millions of dollars by claiming he could buy Catholic Church property on the cheap.

They urged the judge Thursday to impose the more than four years in prison that Raffaello Follieri agreed to when he entered a guilty plea last month rather than the three years his defense lawyers requested in a recent submission of their own.

The prosecutors said Follieri included pictures of the pope and other clergymen even though his claims of Vatican ties were the foundation of his fraud.

"This is surprising because Follieri used these same photographs and connections in order to defraud investors and now seeks to use them in an effort to obtain a reduced sentence," they said.

When it comes to possibly spending more time in prison, this is pretty much the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard. "Hey, I was totally lying about my Vatican connections before, but since I was arrested the Pope and I are total BFFs. On another note, can I interest you in a Rolex? It's not a knock-off, I promise."

Word is, if the first round of photographs don't help his cause, Follieri has a backup plan...

What's that you say? You don't really care at all about this guy and wish they'd just lock him up already? Okay, here's some sexy photos of Anne Hathaway...