Holly Madison was the Official Keg Tapper at Hofbrauhaus in Vegas and, really, I think this makes us all a little German now. So go ahead, drink that brew, dance a polka and make sure to cram as many sausages down your throat to get the full-blown experience... did that sound a little gay? Um...look, fake boobs! (*whew* Saved by fake boobs again).

For the last few days, Holly Madison kept saying she was going to get married on her twitter page. People thought it might be to former boyfriend Hugh Hefner but it was actually someone who doesn't need a pill to get wood.

The 29-year-old “Peepshow” headliner posed for faux wedding photos with the Travelocity gnome. The stills will be used as part of an upcoming ad campaign for the discount travel Web site. (Las Vegas Sun)

I like this pairing. The Gnome's been all over the world, so he's already caught whatever whore diseases she's carrying. And judging from past relationships, Holly enjoys being with corpse-like creepy old men. It's win-win, baby!

I'd never heard of this legendary place called Tao in Las Vegas until yesterday, but it's apparently a dream factory where all your wildest fantasies come true. It's like Willy Wonka's factory, only instead of candy it's...well, another kind of candy. This is the spot where Rihanna walked around nearly topless. Today, we learn it's also the spot where Holly Madison spent time hanging out in a bikini for the same Fourth of July celebration. Man, there is no where else I'd want to be for America's birthday. It clearly represents all the best parts of the holiday: Freeing my country from her tyrant, America the bootyfull, give me liberty or give me head...you know, all the stuff you learned in school.

Holly Madison was at the Flamingo GO pool in Vegas wearing a bikini and pigtails this weekend. She then had a spontaneous professional photo shoot done, because I guess that's what blonde women do when they're showing skin by the pool. I like how nobody in the background is paying any attention to her, no matter how hard she's trying - aw, they're just like the rest of the world.

Believe it or not the above photo was not taken from Hot Chicks with Douchebags, although it might as well have been. It seems former Playboy girl next door Holly Madison finally woke up and realized that Criss Angel is a complete loser and decided to leave him before fading into obscurity herself.

"All she's doing is following Criss Angel around to all of his magic shows, with no legitimate job to speak of," said an insider. "She's still heartbroken and regretful about how things went down with Hef.

"Then she ran into the arms of Criss Angel," the source told Us. "But then it's like, 'This is not everything I thought it would be.'" (US Magazine)

I can't possibly imagine what Holly thought it would be. I mean look at this guy - the stupid crooked hat, the stupid face, the stupid hair, the ridiculous jewelry and general douchey attitude - if I were a woman I'd rather have sex with Kim Jong il than get near Criss Angel. Besides, I hear South Korea's leader once had three hole-in-ones in a single round of golf, so at least he'd have no excuse to "accidentally" slip it in the backdoor.