I think Tom Cruise's crazy is spreading to his family. Katie Holmes dressed her three-year-old daughter in high heels and is now defending the decision, even though they're terrible for children. On the other hand, maybe this is for the best. I mean, if Suri is going to grow up to be as needy and attention-starved as her father, this is the right way to go.

Katie Holmes doesn't think there's anything wrong with dressing her 3-year-old daughter Suri in high heels.

"Like every little girl, she loves my high heels," she tells Access Hollywood.

After Suri was spotted wearing high heels on multiple occasions, critics complained that the footwear could be detrimental to her physical development. "A common side effect of adults wearing heels too often is the tightening or shortening of the Achilles tendon," New York podiatrist Dr. Oliver Zong told Fox News.

But Holmes, 30, insists Suri's heels are supportive.

"They are actually ballroom dancing shoes for kids," she tells Access. "I found them for her and she loves them."

Suri also "loves dancing and singing and she's just a joy," Holmes told Extra. "She loves it all."

"She also loves her crippling ankle and back pains," Holmes continued. "We're pretty sure it's a sign from Xenu that she's going to grow up to be the next high commander of Scientology - once she gets a sex change and we grow tentacles from her head, of course. She's going to be so darling."

This week, old photos of Katie Couric, drunk, celebrating her new job as an anchor for CBS News, were passed around the Internet. I'd say I've lost all respect for the American media, but that happened back in July of '92 when the local paper ran a slander piece on me. Yes, I was naked with clothespins all over my body and yes, I was throwing skunks into the library, but I did not set the fiction wing on fire!... on purpose... like they said I did. Stupid liberal media, always out to get the innocent.

Katie Holmes ran around the other day in lingerie on the set of her new movie, The Romantics. It's good to know Tom is letting Katie out of the house to do normal things, like act and wear sexy clothing. Lord knows she's getting sick of being tied up and thrown in the back of the van as soon as the director calls cut for the day. I mean, she's gotten use to the enemas, and sleeping in seran wrap is OK, but the three hours of Tom Cruise practicing his mind abilities is just awful. He never picks what she's thinking - never. No Tom, for the last time, the item is not "penis."

If I've learned anything from my seven horrible years of marriage, it's that having a wife or a husband is good for only one thing - telling the other person they look uglier than they've ever been in their lives. Apparently, Tom Cruise and Katy Holmes' marriage is no different.

Katie Holmes doesn't need to worry about the Fashion Police. She has husband Tom Cruise.

In the November issue of Elle, the actress, 30, says Cruise, 47, often critiques her clothes.

"He usually likes everything, but sometimes I'll walk out and he'll say, 'I think that dress might be wearing you. You don't need that,'" she says.

She appreciates the feedback.

"Tom has great taste," Holmes gushes.

Wow, Katie isn't even trying to fight those Tom Cruise gay rumors anymore, is she? She's all, "Yep, I married a flaming nut-bag, and you know what, I'm OK with it." Good for you, Katie.

Brainwashing is a slow and tedious process. I should know, I'm still working on training my secret horde of chipmunk ninjas... all the nuts belong to me. Katie Holmes is also aware of this. For the longest time, she wasn't allowed out of Tom Cruise and Scientology's sight, but recently, her leash has been set a little longer. Soon, she's even going to get the chance to perform on national television - the 100th episode of So You Think You Can Dance.

A source told Us Magazine that the actress, 30, sings Garland's "Get Happy," from her 1950 musical, Summer Stock.

"They are making it seem like a huge Broadway production," another source told Us. "It's a massive set.

If anyone knows about being happy, it's Katie Holmes. She gets one hour of exercise everyday, clean food and water dishes, and a treat when she's good. Also, she gets to see her daughter Suri every other day - that is, when they're both not studying and praying to L. Ron Hubbard. It's a real good life, let me tell you.

Wow, Katie Holmes actually smiled as she hosted the Independent Feature Project's 30th Year Celebration. I'm not sure the last time I saw her this happy. If I had to do a quick scientific study for the reason behind this joyous emotional outburst, I would conclude that: 1 Katie Holmes + 0 Tom Cruise = Free at last. She looks so much more attractive (and not ridiculously tall) when Tom isn't around.

When you're the daughter of a rich and famous actor, chances are every birthday party you ever have is going to be bigger and better than the other kids' parties. Case in point: Suri Cruise, whose party over the weekend included helicopters, although they weren't invited.

The princess of Scientology's third birthday party at her family's Beverly Hills home on Saturday was interrupted by a helicopter carrying paparazzi, a Beverly Hills Police Department spokesperson told Access Hollywood. People representing The Cruise family called the LAPD and asked for them to send a police copter of their own to stop it. The police said they'd try. Sadly, a high-speed helicopter chase did not ensue.

I'm going to give the LAPD credit here for not dropping all the real things they do to make sure that Tom Cruise's kid is having a good time. Still, they may have thought the whole thing was an idiotic prank. Can you imagine being the 911 dispatcher on that call?

"911, what's your emergency? ... What? A helicopter is flying over your house and it has crazy men taking pictures of everything you do? ... Oh, so it's not your house. Who's house is it? I see, it's Tom Cruise's house, that makes perfect sense. Is there anything else you'd like to report? You want me to send over the National Guard because Katie Holmes keeps trying to climb the fence and make a break for it? Well, I'll see what I can do, sir." *Click*