Ugh. Heidi Montag, who I've been so happy not to write about for these last few oddly-quiet weeks, wrote a 58-line rhyming poem to her husband Spencer. Yes, it's just as bad as you might think. Here, let me pull out some of the more amusing couplets:

Know that I love you with everything I have
With you by my side it out weighs all the bad
Sorry for ever not being the best wife
I am going to make it up to you my whole life

Oh dear god, Heidi, before writing a poem, why don't you learn to write English? "Sorry for ever not being...," what does that even mean!

You positive love and light to me
Without you I would be so lost with no glee
Thank you for always taking such amazing care of me
You are the most selfless, loving, perfect, caring, miraculous soul to be

"Lost with no glee?" Why, that's exactly how I'm feeling while reading this poem - I'm confused, unhappy and I think my comprehension of grammar is slowly dying.

Every day I am in aw of you
All of you passions motives are always so pure and true
I feel bad for all the women in the world who don't have you
But sorry ladies there is one and I don't share
Iron and iron we are quite the pair

Trust me Heidi, I don't think any ladies are sorry at all. Also, what's with rhyming "you" with "you?" Really, that's the best you can do? Really? Actually, though, I am kind of amazed. Clearly Heidi did something insane that pissed Spencer off, and is now apologizing, but I haven't heard of anything too crazy. Could it be that Speidi is actually keeping some things private? No, no, I don't believe that. Instead, I'm going to assume that Heidi accidentally washed Spencer's dry-clean-only assless-chaps and he was furious. I mean, that would cause me to write a love poem of this high quality.

Yesterday, Al Roker was supposed to interview Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. It was going to be amusing, after he bitch slapped the hell out of them the last time they were together. Then he had to cancel last minute, which sucks but isn't a huge deal.

For some reason though, this infuriated Spencer, who decided to tell the whole world how angry he is. No, not on another interview. No, not on his Web site either. He did it through Twitter... Al, it really looks like he's in need of another slap.

After The Today Show called off Monday's chat between Roker and Pratt and wife Heidi Montag (citing schedule changes), Spencer did what comes naturally: he Tweeted his dissatisfaction with Roker via a barrage of insults.

First, Pratt Twitters about Roker's weight:

"WEATHERMAN I thought you were out of town today getting your stomache stapled again?"

Then, he took a jab at Roker's overall appearance:

"you look very sick? Do you always look like your about to die? How old are you 97? You should retire asap- No one would even know?"

Next, something about Roker's relationship with his kids:

"I heard you snitched on your own kids at school! I bet your kids HATE you!! I would if my own dad came to my school and snitched me about"

Finally, Pratt had questions about the meteorologist's marital history:

"is it true you have been married 6 times? I'm sure all your wives left you when they realized you were abusive to women! Sicko!"

Roker's Twitter was silent on the topic Monday. But after his surprising June 15 skirmish with the couple on the show, he wrote, "Heidi and Spencer are an interesting couple. famous for...being infamous. Bad and vacuous behavior. I think we're at minute 11 of their 15."

I'd be angry at Al for not responding, but I know it's coming. He has the whole world watching his show, and I guarantee there'll be a biting remark sometime today - One that most likely will make Heidi cry and Spencer wet himself and then cry. As for now, Spencer, you keep tweeting - anything to help your campaign for biggest douche in the universe is good at this point.

Brace yourself: Spencer Pratt almost got a vasectomy, and then didn't. That's the saddest news I've ever heard. I know the procedure is reversible, but anytime someone takes a knife to Spencer, especially Spencer's balls, is a day of celebration.

In yesterday's episode of "The Hills," Spencer Pratt reveals he almost had a vasectomy. MTV's favorite villain told wife Heidi Montag that he looked into the "seven-minute procedure" but in the end didn't go through with it. (TV Guide)

Dear doctors of the world. Just in case Spencer does go through with this in the future, his testicles are actually located inside his heart. I know, it's strange, but just stab right in there when he's on the operating table. Later, Spencer will thank you... so will the world.

Look, I'm all for being afraid on Halloween, but this is pushing it. No one said anything about being so terrified that my eyes bug-out. Seriously, I look like Steve Buscemi here!

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have dressed as Jon and Kate Gosselin for Halloween.

"Halloween is supposed to be about scary costumes. What's scarier than Speidi Plus Eight?" Pratt, 26, tells Usmagazine.com exclusively. "Any reality stars who can get themselves 55 magazine covers will always have our respect!"

The costume will get Speidi some good press - even if most people are fed up with the Gosselins right now.

Pratt recently told the New York Post there's no such thing as bad press.

"That word should never have even been created," he said. "Remember when you were a kid and you'd make up words? "Bad press" is equivalent to a made up word. Look at Angelina Jolie. She can make out with her brother, have blood around her neck, talk graphic sex with her old boyfriend on the red carpet, steal America's Sweethearts's husband and get him to have babies with her. Then she turns around and is the face of UNICEF and a UN ambassador -- and Speidi is the bad couple? Come on! I didn't break up a marriage -- how are we the villains in Hollywood. Give me a break."

I have to go change my pants. I literally just peed myself I was so scared. Speidi, I'm sending you my dry cleaning bill.

A few days ago Stephanie Pratt was arrested for DUI, which is pretty terrifying since idiots behind the wheel are one thing, but drunk idiots behind the wheel becomes a matter of national security. Not according to her brother, the Royal Duke of Douchington, though - Spencer says that drinking and driving? It happens to everyone... Well, everyone cool that is.

"I mean, I've had problems with drinking in Hollywood, but who doesn't?" Pratt, 26, tells MTV News.

He says when you're having fun, it's hard to realize that there's anything wrong. It also doesn't help when club promoters and bar-goers are "giving you unlimited high-end alcohol," he says.

"If you're out at a club every night having drinks, then you're drinking every night of the week," he says. "First, it starts off, 'Oh, I just love this dancing and having fun with friends.' But it's like, even though you're just having a couple of cocktails, [it adds up]."

Don't I know it. I mean, you start the night at a family barbecue and, before you know it, you've downed three bottles of Jack and are driving down Rt. 56 with a dead Iranian hooker in the front seat and 3,000 counterfeit nickles in your trunk on your way to Branson, Missouri. Don't worry, though, it happens to everyone.

A few weeks ago, I had to be rushed to the emergency room after trying to write about Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag's sex life and nearly breaking the record for amount of vomit produced in one day. Now I'm writing about how they're cutting back on sex and you know I'm feeling pretty good and...no, wait, there it is. Everyone who is in the path to the bathroom, get the hell out of the way!

"Heidi's mom had her when she was 19 years old, so she's got this whole young mom theory that I just found out about. But I keep telling her, you can still be a young mom at 27 - chill out! She's not having it though," Spencer told The New York Post's PopWrap on Tuesday when asked if the world should prepare for the coming of Speidi spawn.

"OK, I'm gonna get crass here - but we're barely having sex because I'm scared that she's gonna have a baby. That's the level our marriage is on right now. I'm not even kidding - my wife has me debating cutting off my n***," he revealed.

As baby crazy as she is, Spencer said he doesn't think Heidi would trick him into having a little Speidi-tot.

"She's not the kind of person who would lie - she would just walk away and not answer the question," he continued. "So yes, I'm very concerned. Our sex life has dramatically changed recently." (Access Hollywood)

Oh god, please cut off your n--ts, Spencer. For the good of all humanity, do it, do it now... Ok, I'm going to reason with you - if you don't, I will, and I'm using this ice cream scoop. I don't have to, but I want to because life is all about finding the little joys.

Spencer Pratt went to The New York Post to complain about the attention other people are getting and how he's better than everyone. So, basically, nothing's new.

Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian have been dominating all the headlines lately. But Hills star Spencer Pratt claims he is still more famous than the three reality star sibs.

"Speidi is Barack and Michelle famous, not Kardashian famous!" Pratt, 26, tells the New York Post, comparing his relationship with wife Heidi Montag to the Obamas.

He later added, "The fact that USA Today said we're the third most famous couple in the world after Brangelina and The Obamas is amazing. I don't care what people say about me. It's cool."

Pratt also disses former Hills star Lauren Conrad, whom he says quit the show because "Speidi was getting more famous than her."

"Her ego ruined her life and her career -- I pray for her every day and we'd all love for her to come back to The Hills when she realizes her move didn't work," he says of Conrad, who earned $125,000 per episode (and reportedly stipulated that no other star's salary could match hers). "She tried to put MTV over a barrel by demanding more money than God."

Like Conrad, Audrina Patridge is making a big mistake leaving The Hills, Pratt says. (Patridge has plans for her own reality show.)

"The day she can hold 22 minutes of content with her brain, is the day I'm walking on Mars with no oxygen tank barefoot," he says. "Unfortunately, Audrina will have to wake up from that dream soon!" (Us Magazine)

This reminds me of the old joke: "What did one moron say to the other moron?" Give up? "Nothing... and then MTV filmed it and turned it into The Hills."