In other Heidi Montag news, she did yoga. With her new DDD breasts. And she didn't even speak, just got on all fours and stretched... Ok, this isn't so much news, as the best thing ever. Do you mind? I don't think you mind.

Suck it Tila Tequila.

So as part of her body-improvement-or-death campaign, it's come out that Heidi Montag now has DDD sized breasts. No, I didn't spaz out on the keyboard, that's the correct size. This improvement (and trust me, it's an improvement), has rubbed some people the wrong way - like Tila Tequila, who's only real gift to the world is her gigantic boobs. And since she now has some competition in the big-boobs-and-no-brains department, she immiaidetly went on the offensive by saying this:

"She's gone overboard... Her whole relationship is fake, her whole show is fake, her whole marriage is fake, everything about her is fake. So now it just makes sense that her whole face is fake."

Tila admits to her own plastic surgery, breast augmentation, but believes Heidi, 23, has gone too far.

"She's sending out a really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad message to other young girls out there who might look up to her," Tila told RadarOnline.com. "It's telling these girls, 'Don't feel good about yourself, get as much plastic surgery as you can.'" (Radar Online)

Did Tila really come out and say, in the same interview, that she had plastic surgery but thinks Heidi Montag is setting a bad example for girls because of her boob job ? This coming from the "Queen of MySpace," a place made for 12-year-old idiots? I mean, Tila, I don't expect a lot from you, but come on! Ugh, just stop talking, you sound like an idiot whenever you open your mouth. Actually, wait, never mind - that's exactly what I expect from you. Carry on.

Heidi Montag is not having a good week - which means, I'm having a great week. First, she takes a bunch of crap for her addiction to plastic surgery. Now, her new record is doing terrible. How terrible? Less than 1000 copies have been sold - 658 to date. Is this the end of Heidi Montag? Jesus, I hope so.

In its first week of release, The Hills star's album, Superficial, has sold less than 1,000 copies, according to Nielsen Soundscan.

In fact, industry sources tell UsMagazine.com that the album has sold only 658 downloads to date.

This is likely upsetting news for the reality star, who told Entertainment Weekly last week that she went broke making Superficial but thought that "within the first week, we will definitely make our money back."

She told EW, "I put every dollar I have into this. I've spent over $1 million, almost $2 million, on this album. It's cost as much or more than a Britney Spears album because I wanted it to be that quality... The songs will make an impact in pop history."

Those songs have collectively sold 6,000 downloads, Nielsen SoundScan also reports.

Holy hell, I sold more copies of my album, and it was just me reading bathroom graffiti while beating a tambourine. Entertainment Weekly called it, "Brilliant and a summer delight."

Heidi Montag went on Access Hollywood the other day and basically said that, even though she almost died from having plastic surgery in November, she wants more. A lot more. Also she wants to do Playboy again. This reminds me of the time I did my own plastic surgery - I stabbed myself in the face with a pen so I didn't have to deal with her anymore. Too bad it was a failed procedure.

"I almost died after my procedure," Heidi told Access Hollywood's Billy Bush on Monday. "I had too much Demerol like Michael Jackson did and my breathing was five breaths per minute which is like almost dead. [I was] in an aftercare center, there were nurses that were supposed to be tending to me at all times.

"So thank God, Charles, one of my security guys used to be an EMT, and he was timing my breath on his watch and he called the nurses and they had to put oxygen on my face and called my plastic surgeon to come in for an emergency. So, it was a very traumatic experience for me," she continued.

Two months after the surgery, Heidi said she is now starting to regain all of the movement in her face.

"I'm starting to move my face more and more," Heidi said. [But,] I feel very plastic... especially when I first came out, it was so hard for me even to smile and it's still hard for me to chew sometimes. But it's feeling more and more natural everyday because the swelling is going down."

On November 20, Heidi underwent 10 procedures that included a mini brow lift, Botox in the forehead, nose job revision, fat injections in cheeks and lips, chin reduction, neck liposuction, ears pinned back, breast augmentation revision, liposuction on her waist and thighs and a buttocks augmentation. But, she told Billy she's not addicted to plastic surgery.

"I do love it and I appreciate it and I appreciate the science behind it," she explained. "How incredible... we [are] blessed to even have this surgery that we have. We're so advanced. If Cleopatra were alive now, I'm sure she'd have triple D's... there's always been a struggle between pain and beauty. I feel like since the beginning of time."

Heidi revealed that she initially wanted breasts in the largest size possible, but is now happy with what she's got.

"At first I kept saying my boobs aren't big enough. I wanted 800 cc's and I ended up getting about 650 cc's. 800 is the largest size that they make," she explained. "I wanted them to be larger originally, but this is all that could fit into my body. So, I kept saying like a crazy person for eight weeks, saying I want them bigger I want them bigger. I think I'm good with them now... They're triple D's or F's pretty much, I wanted 'H' for Heidi but that didn't really happen that way."

And after two months of staying out of the public eye, Heidi reveled that she's ready to have all eyes on her again in the pages of Playboy.

"I'm beyond ready to do it again," Heidi said when asked she would pose for the men's magazine a second time.

That's true, there has always been a struggle between pain and beauty. You see, the "beauty" of Heidi Montag is, she gives you so much "pain," eventually you go numb waiting for death. Ah, life's eternal grandeur.

Ugh. Heidi Montag, who I've been so happy not to write about for these last few oddly-quiet weeks, wrote a 58-line rhyming poem to her husband Spencer. Yes, it's just as bad as you might think. Here, let me pull out some of the more amusing couplets:

Know that I love you with everything I have
With you by my side it out weighs all the bad
Sorry for ever not being the best wife
I am going to make it up to you my whole life

Oh dear god, Heidi, before writing a poem, why don't you learn to write English? "Sorry for ever not being...," what does that even mean!

You positive love and light to me
Without you I would be so lost with no glee
Thank you for always taking such amazing care of me
You are the most selfless, loving, perfect, caring, miraculous soul to be

"Lost with no glee?" Why, that's exactly how I'm feeling while reading this poem - I'm confused, unhappy and I think my comprehension of grammar is slowly dying.

Every day I am in aw of you
All of you passions motives are always so pure and true
I feel bad for all the women in the world who don't have you
But sorry ladies there is one and I don't share
Iron and iron we are quite the pair

Trust me Heidi, I don't think any ladies are sorry at all. Also, what's with rhyming "you" with "you?" Really, that's the best you can do? Really? Actually, though, I am kind of amazed. Clearly Heidi did something insane that pissed Spencer off, and is now apologizing, but I haven't heard of anything too crazy. Could it be that Speidi is actually keeping some things private? No, no, I don't believe that. Instead, I'm going to assume that Heidi accidentally washed Spencer's dry-clean-only assless-chaps and he was furious. I mean, that would cause me to write a love poem of this high quality.

Yesterday, Al Roker was supposed to interview Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. It was going to be amusing, after he bitch slapped the hell out of them the last time they were together. Then he had to cancel last minute, which sucks but isn't a huge deal.

For some reason though, this infuriated Spencer, who decided to tell the whole world how angry he is. No, not on another interview. No, not on his Web site either. He did it through Twitter... Al, it really looks like he's in need of another slap.

After The Today Show called off Monday's chat between Roker and Pratt and wife Heidi Montag (citing schedule changes), Spencer did what comes naturally: he Tweeted his dissatisfaction with Roker via a barrage of insults.

First, Pratt Twitters about Roker's weight:

"WEATHERMAN I thought you were out of town today getting your stomache stapled again?"

Then, he took a jab at Roker's overall appearance:

"you look very sick? Do you always look like your about to die? How old are you 97? You should retire asap- No one would even know?"

Next, something about Roker's relationship with his kids:

"I heard you snitched on your own kids at school! I bet your kids HATE you!! I would if my own dad came to my school and snitched me about"

Finally, Pratt had questions about the meteorologist's marital history:

"is it true you have been married 6 times? I'm sure all your wives left you when they realized you were abusive to women! Sicko!"

Roker's Twitter was silent on the topic Monday. But after his surprising June 15 skirmish with the couple on the show, he wrote, "Heidi and Spencer are an interesting couple. famous for...being infamous. Bad and vacuous behavior. I think we're at minute 11 of their 15."

I'd be angry at Al for not responding, but I know it's coming. He has the whole world watching his show, and I guarantee there'll be a biting remark sometime today - One that most likely will make Heidi cry and Spencer wet himself and then cry. As for now, Spencer, you keep tweeting - anything to help your campaign for biggest douche in the universe is good at this point.

Look, I'm all for being afraid on Halloween, but this is pushing it. No one said anything about being so terrified that my eyes bug-out. Seriously, I look like Steve Buscemi here!

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have dressed as Jon and Kate Gosselin for Halloween.

"Halloween is supposed to be about scary costumes. What's scarier than Speidi Plus Eight?" Pratt, 26, tells Usmagazine.com exclusively. "Any reality stars who can get themselves 55 magazine covers will always have our respect!"

The costume will get Speidi some good press - even if most people are fed up with the Gosselins right now.

Pratt recently told the New York Post there's no such thing as bad press.

"That word should never have even been created," he said. "Remember when you were a kid and you'd make up words? "Bad press" is equivalent to a made up word. Look at Angelina Jolie. She can make out with her brother, have blood around her neck, talk graphic sex with her old boyfriend on the red carpet, steal America's Sweethearts's husband and get him to have babies with her. Then she turns around and is the face of UNICEF and a UN ambassador -- and Speidi is the bad couple? Come on! I didn't break up a marriage -- how are we the villains in Hollywood. Give me a break."

I have to go change my pants. I literally just peed myself I was so scared. Speidi, I'm sending you my dry cleaning bill.