I don't know why Cameron Diaz is on a beach by herself in a tiny green bikini, and I don't care. What I do know is that oncoming Hummer must have killed me, because this has to be Heaven. Why yes, I would like another back massage Cameron Diaz. You want to feed me grapes while doing it? Yes, I'd like that too. You're putting on some music? Nice. Wait, what is this? Is this Yani?! And these aren't grapes, they're prunes! What do you mean you're wearing a chastity belt! Holy hell, this isn't Heaven at all. I've been tricked. Darn you Satan, you got me again!

Why are all the hot ones crazy? Cameron Diaz is apparently the Al Gore the bathroom - instead of saving the world with slideshows, she's doing it by being disgusting.

“I do follow the, ‘If it’s yellow leave it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down’ saying. I believe in that 100 per cent," she said to Jay Leno. “But there are a couple of rules. You can’t go more than two or three times, if it’s consecutive, if you’re drinking a lot of water, without flushing. But if you have coffee or something, it’s going down!”

Seriously, hippies are gross. I wonder if I could stop her. Like, for every time Cameron doesn't pull that lever, I flush my own toilet five times. I bet she would get frustrated enough and just go sit by the pool in a bikini to calm down. Ladies and gentlemen of the Nobel Peace Prize Committee, I present to you my awesome project.

As promised after our review of the best dressed celebrities at the Golden Globes, I'm happy to present the much more mean-spirited worst dressed list.

1. Marisa Tomei - Ever since Marisa Tomei started pushing (and passing) the age of 40, it seems like she's taken off her clothes in every movie. So we know she still has a great body, but why on Earth she would cover it up behind this pirate costume is hard to explain. Perhaps she was going through the old wardrobe closet from Seinfeld and came across Jerry's puffy shirt and simply couldn't resist. The good news is she doesn't need to come up with a Halloween costume when October rolls around.

2. Renee Zellweger - The blonde actress who's always squinting always looks a little awkward to begin with, so she wasn't doing herself any favors with this hideous sheer black dress.

3. Maggie Gyllenhaal - Imagine a burlap sack in which you cut the material from one corner and pile it on the opposite corner, then feed a cheetah purple paint until it pukes all over it. The result would be something close to this dress.