Everyone talks about how our system of government is broken, how our school system is failing and our class system is unfair - but what about our system of love? Tom Arnold got married for the fourth time this weekend! FOUR TIMES! This ugly, no-talented unfunny bastard has gotten four girls to settle down with him. Dear god, I don't understand women.

Tom Arnold has tied the knot for the fourth time, TVGuide.com has confirmed.

The comedian exchanged vows with Ashley Groussman Saturday at an intimate ceremony in Maui before 75 family and friends. Dax Shepard, who can next be seen on NBC's Parenthood, served as Arnold's best man, while jewelry designer Andrea Groussman was the maid of honor. She also designed the newlyweds' rings.

Arnold and Groussman, a home organizer, met through mutual friends in April 2008 and got engaged on Arnold's 50th birthday in March. Arnold was previously married to Roseanne Barr, Julie Champnella and Shelby Roos.

Good luck Groussman, everything was clearly wonderful the last three times Tom tried this - and one of those was with Roseanne, so you know his life was full of class and beauty. But hey, if being married to a public joke is how you get your rocks off, then best to you.

Tom Brady gets paid to get sweaty and be hands-on with men. This is why he runs right off the field at the end of every game and has a ridiculous amount of sex with supermodel Giselle Bundchen. Just know, he's only doing it for fun and not for procreation. God would be pissed, but hey, he's a Patriot's fan.

The NFL star told the Boston Herald that his wife, supermodel Giselle, is not pregnant, despite rumors.

"No. No. One is enough," he told the newspaper.

So no more babies for Tommy, despite what everyone is saying. That's probably good for Giselle - when he got ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan pregnant, he immediately left her. It was a move that was equally mean and hilarious.

"I've got dogs," he said. "That's all I need."

Tom went on to add, "And sex with supermodels. Seriously, I need that too."

There's a rumor going around that Tom Brady completed a long pass into Gisele Bundchen's hoo-hoo and now she's super preggers. I don't know. These photos were taken this weekend and she still looks hot and skinny to me, but models get pregnant all weird like. They gain exactly three and a half pounds, have the baby, and are back in a bikini for a covershoot the next day. Meanwhile, they hate their newborn child for being skinnier than them. Luckily, this is all cleared up with a nice, relaxing round of coke up the nose. It really is so hard to be beautiful... What was I talking about again? Oh yes, Gisele Bundchen is hot and she can have hot babies if she wants. Case closed.

If you told me there were going to be shots fired at Tom Brady & Gisele Bundchen's wedding ceremony in Costa Rica, my initial reaction would be that Bridget Moynahan has really gotten out of control. But it seems Tom's ex is not to blame, as it was the happy couple's security team that blazed up the vehicle of some paparazzi.

Two photographers narrowly escaped death as they tried to cover Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen's wedding in Costa Rica yesterday. The local snappers, Rolando Aviles and Uri Cortez, were returning to their car after photographing the wedding at Gisele's beachside home, when they were confronted by the supermodel's security men. They frogmarched the photogs up to the Brazilian beauty's villa, and tried to convince the two men to hand over their pictures, because Gisele had done an exclusive deal for coverage of the wedding with a Brazilian magazine. The men refused, then escaped the security men and ran back to their car, with the goons in hot pursuit. As they started the engine, a live round pierced the back windshield of the Suzuki jeep, and hit the front windshield directly between the two mens' heads. They made their escape, and found the spent .38mm round lying on the floor of the car. "I couldn't believe it when I realized what they had done," Cortez told INF Daily. "I could have lost my life for the sake of some pictures that Gisele didn't want published. Are they insane?" No word yet on whether the men will be filing charges. (INF Daily)

Maybe this is Tom Brady's way of putting NFL lineman on notice that his knees are off limits this season. His security team will pop a cap in your ass, and no pictures please. More realistically the security guards were acting on orders from Gisele. She is from Brazil, after all, where human life has such little value these days you can put a hit out on someone in exchange for a ham sandwich.

After Gisele told Vanity Fair that she felt like Tom Brady's son Jonathan was her own, you knew it was only a matter of time before the kid's actual mother, Bridget Moynahan, was going to respond. Technically she didn't respond directly, but she might as well have. Page Six has the dirt...

One close pal told Page Six, "If Gisele loved Bridget's child like he was '100 percent her own,' then she would not talk about him in the press. Discretion and respect are not either of Gisele or Tom's virtues, as was evidenced even when the child was still unborn and they publicly flaunted their relationship without any discretion whatsoever."

"Don't you think Jack will grow up and read her comments and find them disrespectful to him and his mother? If Tom is such a great father as everyone likes to say, then you would think that he'd respect the privacy of his young child and would ask his wife not to use his son as a publicity prop and a subject of public discussion. Is she is so desperate for attention that she can't find anything more productive to talk about other than Bridget's child?"

Burn! It's hardly a surprise that a woman would push a kid out and then get pissed when some skinny bitch starts acting like it was no big deal. If Gisele is smart she'll just keep her mouth shut before this escalates any further, but for our sake let's hope she responds.

Just to add a little spice to the cat-fight imagery, here are some pictures of Bridget Moynahan doing her MILF thing and doing it well.

Gisele Bundchen appears on the cover of the May 2009 issue of Vanity Fair magazine, and now that her and Tom Brady have officially tied the knot, she's finally speaking out about the awkward situation involving Tom's ex-girlfriend, Bridget Moynahan, discovering she was pregnant shortly after they started dating.

“It was definitely a surprise for both of us,” Gisele acknowledges with a rueful smile. “In the beginning you’re living this romantic fantasy; you’re thinking, This can’t be true, it’s so good! And then, Whoops—wake-up call!” She rolls her eyes. “We were dating two and a half months when he found out, and it was a very challenging situation. Obviously, in the beginning, it’s not the ideal thing.”

Moynahan’s pregnancy made Gisele wonder whether she should encourage Brady to re-unite with his former girlfriend. “You question at times—‘Should I stay here? Maybe you should work this out,’” she admits. “But when people break up, it’s for a reason.”

New England Patriots QB Tom Brady and supermodel Gisele Bundchen have finally tied the knot after weeks of their rumored engagement and subsequent denials. Us Magazine reports:

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady wed Thursday just before 6 p.m. at the St. Monica Catholic Church in Santa Monica, Calif., Usmagazine.com confirms.

The ceremony -- which began at dusk -- was "very small and intimate," a source tells Us, adding that guests mostly consisted of immediate family. Brady's 1 ½ son with ex-girlfriend Bridget Moynahan, John Edward Thomas Moynahan, was also present.

Thank God this finally happened so we don't have to hear about any more engagement rumors. It's fairly surprising to hear Tom's ex and baby mama Bridget Moynahan was present, as she seemed fairly bitter about their whole breakup coinciding with her pregnancy. Not that anyone asked, but for the record I think Bridget is way hotter than Gisele.