In case you thought you had a shot with Katy Perry (and, please, ignore my laughing), you may be out of luck. Us Weekly is reporting she is now engaged to Russell Brand. But don't worry too much - a marriage like this will never last, and you should have the perfect amount of time to grow your hair long and stop showering. That's what clearly gets her attention, after all.

Months after meeting at the MTV Video Music Awards, Katy Perry and show host, Russell Brand, are engaged, according to Us Weekly.

According to the mag, the couple got engaged five days ago. A source said Russell, 34, proposed to the American singer, 25, with a ring.

The two have been on vacation together in India and have been Tweeting pictures of their trip, including shots of monkeys, Katy's henna tattoo and a cute shot of the couple in front of the Taj Mahal.

"[The trip] was his Christmas gift," a source close to Perry told the mag. "She told him how much she loved Indian culture while they were eating curry in England, so he surprised her."

As previously reported on AccessHollywood.com, just last month, Russell told Britain's "GMTV" host Lorraine Kelly that he was head over heels for Katy.

"I'm ever so happy," he told the Scottish TV presenter of being in a relationship with the star. "It's really nice and relaxing to not always be thinking - say for example there's some ladies here [in the studio] - I'd have to do routine checks."

When asked if the two raven-haired stars might eventually walk down the aisle, Russell's eyes lit up.

"I don't know. Get married you say? That would be good," he said.

Of course it would be good, she's a successful singer with giant hoo-hoos and you're an unwashed awful comedian - she's your golden meal ticket, man. You hold onto her like she's dear life, because, for you Russell, she absolutely is.

Listen up, Robert Pattison - Katy Perry is not going to sleep with you. She's into disgusting, long-haired, unwashed comedians and you're in Twilight. Come on man, you're not even on her social radar.

"Read a bunch of yesterdays-news-BULLOCKS." Perry Tweeted. "Ppl should know by now that I don't do vampires, but I do, DO @rustyrockets," she says, in a call out to current boyfriend Russell Brand. "Don't get it TWISTED!"

Radaronline claimed that the singer and actor "got up close and personal" and "only had eyes for each other" during a Dec. 16 outing at Dimples Supper Club in Burbank, Calif.

Yet one of the club's bouncers told UsMagazine.com of the group's night out: "There was a big group and no one seemed to be romantic. They were just laughing and having a great time. [Pattinson] looked buzzed and happy."

So, to set the Katy Perry record straight, "NO" to vampires but "YES" to hobos. Hmmmm, perhaps I won't have to start drinking blood to get close to those sweater puppies after all. This is exactly why I wrote that plan down in pencil.

An award for best boobs that is! Ok, probably not, there are a lot of good boobs out there. But I assume she was nominated - That's why she was dressed like this at the Grammy Nominations Concert Live!, right? Showing off the goods so people will vote for'em. I get it, I get it. Very clever Katy... What's that? There's no "best boobs" category at The Grammy's? Really? Are you sure? They why do people watch the show? Ah, I see. They don't. Nevermind.

Katy Perry is usually known for pushing the realm of fashion and flaunting her huge boobs. I take the former because of the later and deal with it. However, this new turn of events is just unaccepitble.

(Katy) usually sports red-hot lipstick, heavy blush and eyeliner, pinup-style curls, and outlandish get-ups (Technicolor jumpers, lingerie, hot pants) only a pop star could get away with.

But on Monday night, Katy Perry was just another girl out on the town. In a sweater dress and extremely simple makeup, the 25-year old singer had dinner with girlfriends at West Hollywood’s Philippe restaurant; barely recognizable, (she) blended right in. (Us Magazine)

A pop-star blending in? Unthinkable! What will happen next? Actresses won't beg for attention? Athletes won't throw around cash? Your mom won't be a ho? My god, what am I going to do what my life!? I'm ruined! RUINED! ... *deep breaths* Ok, Alex, calm down. Everything is going to be all right. You know that will never happen - your mom will always be a ho. Always.

Katy Perry had a 25th birthday paint-party, where I guess she invited famous people (like Taylor Swift) and they all painted each other. See kids, this is what happens when you have zero talent or ideas, but the money to buy a lot of drugs: A warning to you all! Also interesting is the giant swastika painted on someone's back. I'd say it's the most offensive thing ever to be associated with Katy Perry, but I've heard her music - so bad, it's become a hate crime.

Katy Perry left the Mika concert at The Palladium looking like this, and everything was so good. I like Mika, but the dude sings like a gay Freddie Mercury - Yes, I know Freddie Mercury was gay, that's how gay Mika usually sounds. I think Katy Perry understood this and decided to balance the scales with her boobs - a little bit for the heterosexuals, a little bit for the homosexuals, everyone finishes ahead. Thanks Katy Perry, you make us so happy.

Russel Brand, douchebag ________ (fill in your own word. I'll give you a few to start: comedian, award-show-host, non-showering swamp-creature, douchebag), has aparently starting dating hot-singer-who-should-shut-her-mouth Katy Perry. How? By writing her a poem, I kid you not:

The womanizing actor, who first locked lips with the "I Kissed a Girl" singer at an MTV Video Music Awards after-party, recently texted her a love poem he wrote himself, according to a friend. "It was cute," our source says. "And the best part is that Katy responded by sending him a topless photo of herself." (Page Six)

Holy hell, is that all it takes, Katy? Then have I got something for you. Ready:

Katy-
Roses are red
I want some pickles
I love you a lot
Now show me your nipples

TADA! ... Ok, let's see'em.