I'm pretty sure, when you're an actress being interviewed by Marie Claire, you're supposed to talk about gardening and dresses and all that crap that kills erections. Natalie Portman, on the other hand, talked about smoking pot, drinking and making out with chicks - Proving once again how awesome she really is.

When it comes to the Hollywood world of partying, Natalie Portman told the January issue of Marie Claire that she was a late bloomer.

"I didn't really go to high school parties," she told the mag. "I didn't touch pot till I was in my 20s. I didn't get flat-out drunk until I went to college. But I think that's a good thing in many ways."

One person Natalie will get intimate with in the future is "Black Swan" co-star Mila Kunis, whom she has an intense sex scene with in the upcoming film.

In a separate interview with BlackBook, Mila weighed in on the scene - news of which rocked Internet fan sites.

"She's a nerd's idea of heaven," Mila said. "It's two girls making out, and guys have a thing for that. And Nat is like every guy's dream... The whole thing is silly, but I can see why people care."

Mila, come close. Closer. Really close. Ok, now listen... if you ever belittle two girls making out, geek chicks or Natalie Portman again, I will rip out your spine and beat you with it. And no one will blame me. You think we need Meg on Family Guy? No, we do not.

The other day I talked about how newspaper are dying. Today, the same can be said for magazines. Subscriptions are down and each one has to resort to cheesy gimmicks to sell copies. Like, in this month's issue of Interview Magazine (yeah, it's the first I'm hearing of it too), Jake Gyllenhaal interviewed his upcoming Brothers costar Natalie Portman. Now, he didn't ask her anything that mattered but instead focused on the dumbest set of questions I've ever heard. It's like a trained monkey using sign language sat down and tried to interview Natalie Portman. Tried, and failed.

This is why actor's stick to scrips:

"What's your favorite food?" Jake asked.

"I don't think you can really improve upon Carvel ice cream cake. I am so Carvel," she answered.

And while she's famous for introducing the world to indie-pop band the Shins in "Garden State," the star said she's been listening to a different musical style lately.

"I've mostly been listening to dirty rap lately. Really, really obscene hip-hop. I love it so much," Natalie said. "It makes me laugh and then it makes me want to dance. Those are like my two favorite things."

But there was one question that Natalie couldn't answer - what she'd be doing if she wasn't acting.

"I don't have that many skills," she said. "I'd basically have trouble with any job that doesn't require me to wear silly clothes and talk in funny voices."

So, to sum up, Natalie's other career options are a TV anchorwoman, one of those restaurant costumed greeters (she would make an awesome talking milkshake), or Lady GaGa. God I hate celebrities.

Natalie Portman is filming a coming-of-age-comedy called "Hersher." Trust me, it's plot sounds just as dumb as it's title. For some reason, Natalie is dressed up like a Mary Catherine Gallagher-wannabe, and acting like it by rolling around on the floor. Um, k. Have fun there, Natalie. Still, this means you got to see Natalie Portman's underwear today. So whatever happens from here on is pretty much a downer. Go on, enjoy the rest of your work day.

I'm kind of blown away. Natalie Portman attended the White House Correspondents' Dinner on Saturday and wore a very revealing dress - no, that's not a digital effect, it really is about half of her nipple. Somehow, though, she still looks classy, even when flashing the camera. That's got to be some sort of evil magic. It just goes to show what I've been saying all along - Natalie Portman is a witch. Now, is it OK to be in love with a witch or is that a sin? I'm never really sure on that one.

In a report that I really hope proves to be false, and I'm sure they'll both deny it (which means nothing), Natalie Portman allegedly hooked up with Sean Penn at the Sunset Tower Hotel Bar in Los Angeles. Nevermind that she's only 27 and he's 48, oh, and also married. Star Magazine has the disturbing details...

...we report that the married actor — who had his wife Robin Wright Penn on his arm at the Academy Awards — was seen in a passionate embrace with Natalie Portman.

Following dinner at Sunset Tower Hotel's Tower Bar on March 17 — during which they were "constantly touching each other" — Sean, 48, and Natalie, 27, hooked up. (They previously served together on the jury at the Cannes Film Festival in 2008.)

"They went to a bank of elevators that only goes to the spa or to private rooms," an eyewitness tells Star. "They came back about 45 minutes later, and that's when I saw them making out."

"There's a door outside of the hotel's Tower Bar that has a bridge to the terrace, so it's semi-private," the eyewitness explains. "I used that path to get to the restroom, and when I came back, I had to go through some curtains — and that's when I interrupted Sean and Natalie! When they saw me, they were startled and quickly composed themselves."

Aside from the whole infidelity thing, it's hard to blame Sean Penn for trying (and possibly succeeding) to bang Natalie Portman. But what the hell is she thinking? Not sure if I buy this story just yet, although given Penn's past marital troubles it's not hard to imagine his involvement in this.

The 81st Annual Academy Awards were last night and were so incredibly boring I nearly lapsed into a coma - twice. Aside from Sean Penn's upset of Mickey Rourke the results were utterly predictable and I'm not even going to bother listing the winners, but I will discuss which ladies won over my heart penis. Oh, and it's really a shame no one told Hugh Jackman in advance that he was hosting the Oscars and not the Tony Awards. Take your Broadway musical numbers back east, buddy, and maybe learn to tell at least one funny joke in three-plus hours.

Anyway, it's always hard to understand when female celebrities show up to this little shindig looking like crap. Fortunately, this year most of the ladies finally figured out the obvious: if you wear a strapless gown it makes the guys (and some girls) picture you naked so you look good no matter how much you screw up everything else. Vanessa Hudgens, for example, could show up wearing a dress made of stitched-together squirrel remains, but as long as those shiny shoulders are exposed she's going to look hot no matter what. Here are some pictures of actresses who went strapless and earned my stamp of approval.

Natalie Portman getting very leggy in possibly her most sexy photograph ever. She really needs to pose for more photo shoots like this.

Not all goals are created equal in soccer. For example, scoring is good, but scoring off your opponent's nuts is even better.

What happened to Hilary Duff's face?

Keri Russell does her best Amy Winehouse imitation for details magazine and looks so skeezy you barely notice the slight nudity.

Christina Aguilera says she and her husband plan to try for a second child, meaning she'll actually allow her mouse husband to have sex with her again.

Madonna and A-rod claim that they're just friends. Sure, friends who both divorced their spouses so they could make late night booty calls openly.

Even more photos of Heidi and shithead on their honeymoon in Mexico. Whores.

What if idiotic Giants wideout Plaxico Burress had a comic book?

Anna Kournikova is out running and staying fit.

Cheryl Tweedy makes up for ruining an upskirt moment with some lovely cleavage.