You know, I knew it was coming. I prepared, I psyched myself up, I took anger management classes...and it still wasn't enough. Heidi Montag unveiled her new Playboy cover at the premiere of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and it's everything awful you expect it to be. Seriously, let's go through the checklist: bleached-blonde whore? Check! Same lifeless expression found in real life? Check! Heidi covered in something? Check! (It's dirt, for those wondering. Yeah, I was expecting semen too, but hey, at least she's meeting expectation.) Now, if you'll excuse me, I ate a wonderful three-course Italian meal earlier and I'm about to vomit it all up. Heidi, I'm sending you a dry-cleaning bill.