A few weeks ago, I had to be rushed to the emergency room after trying to write about Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag's sex life and nearly breaking the record for amount of vomit produced in one day. Now I'm writing about how they're cutting back on sex and you know I'm feeling pretty good and...no, wait, there it is. Everyone who is in the path to the bathroom, get the hell out of the way!

"Heidi's mom had her when she was 19 years old, so she's got this whole young mom theory that I just found out about. But I keep telling her, you can still be a young mom at 27 - chill out! She's not having it though," Spencer told The New York Post's PopWrap on Tuesday when asked if the world should prepare for the coming of Speidi spawn.

"OK, I'm gonna get crass here - but we're barely having sex because I'm scared that she's gonna have a baby. That's the level our marriage is on right now. I'm not even kidding - my wife has me debating cutting off my n***," he revealed.

As baby crazy as she is, Spencer said he doesn't think Heidi would trick him into having a little Speidi-tot.

"She's not the kind of person who would lie - she would just walk away and not answer the question," he continued. "So yes, I'm very concerned. Our sex life has dramatically changed recently." (Access Hollywood)

Oh god, please cut off your n--ts, Spencer. For the good of all humanity, do it, do it now... Ok, I'm going to reason with you - if you don't, I will, and I'm using this ice cream scoop. I don't have to, but I want to because life is all about finding the little joys.